In my last post I thought I had solved a long-standing physical issue just as I felt I was on the cusp of moving forward. The Universe had other plans for me. There was much from my past still stuck in my body (aka PTSD) that needed processing and ousting. I believe the body holds onto trauma long after you have processed it emotionally and mentally. You feel fine, like you are over it. But then comes a trigger and your body is instantly in panic mode. Then you realize you have more to process and let go of.
It has not been a easy road. In fact it’s been very bumpy, drawn out, and terribly inconvenient. But clearing the decks and letting go of the past comes before you can move on. I had forgotten this in my excitement at the idea of achieving a new level. I cut cords to those from my past one more time and added a good dose of forgiveness for all parties involved, including myself. The road to healing is more than about the body. You must heal at every level.
As hard as it is to admit I’m one of the worst for having an adult temper tantrum. It happens rarely, but when it does I wonder why I can let someone rattle my cage. I’m a devotee of the gentle and understated guru, Eckhart Tolle. I am also a disciple of all things Pema Chödrön. Pema is a lovely western Buddhist nun with a lot of solid, no-nonsense advice about how to not let yourself get hooked.
The other day I was on the phone with a professional from a trusted company. On the call we were dealing with a problem. These things happen. However, I felt like a steam roller went over me. I was not being listened to…at all. I could not get a syllable in edgewise. Someone at his end screwed up. Each time I tried to speak, he interrupted again with his line of thinking, and…he was scolding me! At this point I felt totally humiliated, shamed and small, with a feeling of not knowing what just happened.
I have been feeling for some time that I am almost at the tipping point of purging my soul and body of the after effects of an abusive 18 yearlong relationship. I have been out of that relationship for ten years now, and in my mind, I think there is nothing to purge. I’m over it, right? I have a brand-new life I created myself, right? I’m the captain of my own ship co-creating like crazy, right? Everything is peachy keen, right? But the body is not the mind. It holds onto things for a very long time. To me, that is what PTSD is. Abuse or terror held in the body to protect the whole.