Lifelong dreams change form many times before reaching the goal

A good friend and were I talking about our dreams, how they come and go, each one almost coming to fruition and then fizzling out, disintegrating, and being out of reach. This can be disheartening and frustrating. The path seems to be right in front of you, only to disappear. The talk we had about having many things in life we each tried to bring to fruition that all seemed to fail, brought me to a new understanding.

My friend and I are older, in our 60s, and feel that our usable span of life is short at this point. Time is shrinking. The body ages faster than we desire, and we move slower, think slower, and have a totally different footprint than we did even ten years ago. My 50s were vibrant! My 60s are slower, silkier. We have less resources, and yet we have time to manifest our dreams now, more than in any other decade of our lives.

Maybe what we are doing in trying different approaches and constantly pushing forward, is not so much learning about the world around us. It is more like learning to find the way around ourselves.

If we think we know the answer to what our goal is, it’s possible we are wrong about what the outcome will be, or how to get there. Or both. We may not see where the path itself is leading because we can’t see beyond where we are. If you feel you have lost your original vision for success, don’t be disheartened. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s hard to see those stepping stones when we are looking for what we think the answer is. You may even think there is no place to step because you can’t see it. You have to have faith that each step is there. You might be put off by a difficult part of the process and give up. I’ve done that a thousand times. Keep in mind a perceived failure can be another stepping stone to eventually finding ourselves working on our dream. It’s not actually the end. Relying on your intuition is big. It will help guide you and connects you to Spirit.

I think of it as an almost hidden path to success. As if the path were underwater or goes around the corner here and there, changing form constantly, full of pitfalls and successes. Kind of like a kids dotted-line treasure map.

You go through the river with killer fish, through the swamp, over the mountains, into a jungle, through the forest, avoid the snake, and into a dark cave. Finally you come out of the cave and find yourself living your dream—when you least expect it! You think, how did I get here from where I was on that strange convoluted path?

My friend is now living her dream, making it a reality. It happened through a lot of perseverance and hard work even though it seemed to be sidetracked many times by the outside world. The character Dory from the movie Finding Nemo has some great advice for all of us.

“When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming.”

—DORY

We could not see the outcome from where we were on the path. It lay just around the corner. Our feet were on the right path all along. We didn’t recognize it as a ‘waking world’ path to success. That’s because it’s below our radar, working all the time. It happens in the background, with the conscious mind not aware of it at all.

That’s how success can come from behind and be a total, wonderful surprise once things start magically working for you! The magic is really all your past efforts and experience coming to fruition where you finally see results. It might have all come together in a way you could not envision.

So maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t have it all planned out perfectly. That’s because Spirit hears our request and has better ideas for us on how to get there. The work we did on the way to success—the supposed failed attempts—was work we needed to do. Even if the experiences seemed to not be connected, they are! We just could not see it from where we were.

Just keep swimming.

Comments are welcome. “Likes” tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, ❤ Patty

2019 came early with a big push

Before the holidays I decided to have my ceiling in the living room worked on. I had originally planned to have that done in January, but felt the intuitive nudge to get it done earlier. I had a local contractor come in and put up my new tin ceiling. It’s gorgeous! That meant that my beautiful new Balsam Hill Cadillac of Christmas trees would have to be stuffed into my bedroom. I had just received it and it was a big splurge. 

When the ceiling work was finished four days before Christmas, I was excited to finally be able to move and decorate my tree! When I finally got it all decorated and looking awesome, there was a bit of a letdown. I don’t know what it was. The tree looked like the best one I’d ever had. But something was off. Later I realized what was happening. The energy felt different. 2019 energy was moving into my presence with great urgency. I took the tree down the day after Christmas, when normally I keep it up for weeks. I felt 2019 pushing into my life with great urgency. I had never experienced this before. But I am more aware and sensitive to energies than in the past. 

During the Christmas break I had 11 days off. I was looking forward to get out and about. However I was sick for the first five days. It felt like all of 2018 was stuck in my head, stuffing it to maximum. Then moving into my throat and into my lungs. Ugh. This sucked. It made me slow down, and if you have read my other posts, you’ll know I was given many signs to slow down. Slow way down. Slower yet. Okay this was the last push to get me to be still for 2018. 

Part of slowing down is being able to see and sense things that I would otherwise not see. If you go too fast, you miss things. Imagine going by a lovely country road with fields of flowers. If you zoom by you miss the butterflies dancing on the blossoms, the rabbit hiding in the bracken, and the birds as they flit about. You miss that lovely feeling, delightful scene, and gentle energy. Same goes for any activity in life. My slowing down was for a reason that would benefit me. 

After I recovered, I was anxious to get up the mountain to a small community. I felt the urge to meet new people, and do new things. I was stoked to have five days remaining to do this! Then an actual honest-to-God blizzard struck New Mexico. I had snow in my yard for two weeks, and I have never had snow for more than two days. I could not get out of my driveway for the rest of my vacation. That really bummed me out, but what can I do? Timing to move out of my normal social circles is not there yet. I decided to enjoy my alone time, the rare snow, and have fun with my animals, who loved romping in the snow.

In my convalescence I started watching Marie Kondo’s show with her unique KonMari method of organizing. Her methods are Zen centric, gentle, and effective. Very Spirit based. I was able to get rid of many things that did not suite me anymore. The trunk of my car was full of bags of clothing and items to take to charity. I even decided to sell my glass bead making studio contents. For me this will be a big letting go. But I feel elated that someone else will have as much fun as I had over the years. Everything is energy and everything holds energy. Let something out of your life and make way for the new! Finally I was able to let go of something I had not done for ten years, and it felt great. 

2019 wanted to come in early, and for me it did. I live my life by intuition and pay attention to those urges. But I know not everything goes my way. Spirit guides us in mysterious ways. I’ve got it down to a fine art, where I can tell what the energy is directing me to do. I would not live any other way. I did not want to be stuck in my house for 11 days, and I did not want to slow down. But I did as I felt directed. For some reason the last of 2018 energy was settling in, saying goodbye and leaving. Then 2019 came in with a burst of energy, before the new year even started! Pay attention to your intuition, dreams, and nudges from Spirit. Living your life this way is very freeing, feels genuine, and has many surprises in store. I have a feeling 2019 is going to be a great year!

Comments are welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

A lesson in trust

After work in summer I take my dogs for a cool walk down my little river. During irrigation, the river is about one inch deep and mostly stagnant. The river boasts crayfish, gigantic arroyo frogs, dragonflies, butterflies, dark fishing spiders, tons of minnows and other wildlife. Because I recently had to deal with a rattlesnake I said out loud, “Hey is there anything up the river I need to be aware of?” The answer was both felt and heard. “Yes.” Me: “Oh, good. Wait! Is it deadly?” “No.” I could feel this in the core of my entire body, head to toe, as an unmistakable feeling of confirmation. Probably the strongest physical confirmation I have ever received. Consider me warned. I would be on the lookout for…whatever, and it was not going to kill me. Well now doesn’t that sound promising.

As we walked upriver I was observant and cautious. Would I see a deer, or a raccoon hunting for crayfish? A heron fishing for minnows? I did not know if it would be something dangerous, or something delightful. This feeling of confirmation was with me the whole time. The pond was more shallow than usual, and the large minnows were there by the gazillion! What fun! Gypsy had a blast swimming in it, while my other dog Goat Cheese was nearby.

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I walked into the edge of the 5 foot deep pool where the water was about 2 inches deep and took video of Gypsy swimming around. As I finished taking the video I turned around to go back to dry land taking one step with my left foot. The sand gave way and I sunk into the sand up to mid hip. Quicksand! Oh $hit. It felt like there was nothing supporting me and I dared not move one muscle. My right leg was bent at the knee and out sideways on what I hoped was firm ground. With quicksand it is hard to tell. I had no idea how much further down I would go if I tried putting my hands out in front of me to support myself. Sinking in another 2 and a half feet would be fatal. I desperately called to my dogs.

“Get over her NOW! Mama is in trouble and needs your help!”

Both dogs came over, oblivious to my plight. I grabbed them each by the collar and relied on their distributed weight to pull me out. They started tugging backwards, which is exactly what I needed. I was able to test that ground ahead of me and gingerly crawl out. I could hardly believe what had happened. Here on my little river there is quicksand and I managed to blunder into it. But I came out safe and sound. On my walk back home, I grabbed a large stick and held it sideways just to be on the safe side.

Homeward bound, I reflected on what happened. Well for one thing, I was alive! Yay! At the beginning of my walk, Spirit let me know where was something ahead for me. Sure enough, there was. But it was an event, not an animal. I got a very clear, very strong message from the Universe that there was something up ahead for me, and it was not fatal. I was to trust in that. Bottom line is, trust in the messages you get, especially if you ask for them! That was a big lesson in trust and I won’t soon forget it.

Comments always welcome and encouraged. View this blog entry by itself by clicking on the headline, in order to make a reply at the bottom. 

Messages via forgotten lyrics

The other day I was feeling out of sorts, at odds with the world and myself. Think square peg in a round hole. A general malaise of having no focused life’s purpose in serving others yet, despite many attempts at different ways to serve. I have a very strong feeling to be of service. My chosen lifestyle in the country makes it hard to find the energy and time to commit to a business of my own where I can serve others. I am constantly on the go and already over extended. But it’s the life I love! So when exactly was I expecting this total life change to occur out of thin air?

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Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations. But I can feel something is out there, down the road a bit. Something bigger. Something better. My way to be of service will materialize at some point. But it feels so overdue. That’s a hard feeling to resolve when it’s a gray day outside and you are in the day-to-day trenches. I guess I felt like Charlie Brown with a little rain cloud following me around.

Haven’t you heard it before? All you have to do is follow your passion. I have taken it to heart seriously. Which passion do I choose? My efforts to serve have, over the years, included landscape and rodeo photography, reiki, psychic readings, teaching classes on dumping drama, using intuition, and reading and teaching Tarot to others. Other interests I am working on include crystal energy, numerology, astrology and animal communication. I am passionate about all of them. There isn’t one interest I would drop. They are all important to my Earth School education. I feel I am like a sponge soaking up information left and right and I don’t want to stop.

But that feeling of not being out there in service persists. Perhaps I should trust in Source a little more? Maybe even though I’m pushing 60, I am not meant to blossom in a public way yet or at all? Maybe I don’t need to follow the popular path of making a business out of it and striking out on my own? Maybe I already serve in others ways I am not aware of? Maybe I’ll run into this way to be of service when it is meant to happen and not before then? I have a habit of living too much in my head, but I love the questions I have and the answers that often follow later. Like little puzzles that get solved over time. I also balance the over-think mindset with tons of feelings. Think Empath. I experience it all. So I feel very balanced, but man there is a lot to process regarding thinking and feeling.

As I was having my day-long pity party I thought about ways to get out of a funk. Smile. Get active. Dance. Jump around. Sing a song. So I started singing an old song:

To everything turn turn turn
There is a season turn turn turn
And a …(forgot lyrics)..heaven.

What’s with that? I know those lyrics. Why does that part escape me? Still trying to conjure them up I kept singing out loud. I figured that way it would come out of my mouth without having to think about it. Sure enough on the third time, it was a charm.

To everything turn turn, turn
There is a season turn turn turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven.

A-ha! Lightbulb time! Take a gander at the words I had to work at recalling. This made them stand out to me. What an obvious way for my inner voice/ intuition/Spirit to tell me to be patient, and that the time will come. I had this ‘message via forgotten lyrics’ happen one other time years and years ago. So it’s not a well used catalyst for communicating messages, but very effective. It is very conducive to an a-ha moment, which sticks with a person.

Feel free to share ways you have received messages. This blog is meant as a forum for discussion and commentary. Comments are welcome and encouraged. 

When is a good time for a change? Coffee time!

I used to have coffee almost every morning before work with a neighbor. Jokingly I would tell my buddy that I was there for coffee and conversation, but I really didn’t care much for the coffee. Companionship is something most single, older people desire. My platonic buddy and I have known each other at this writing for three years. We go riding on weekends weather permitting, and Saturday night we have spaghetti and watch silly TV shows together. Over the past year I had gotten into the habit of having coffee in the morning with him on my way to work. He used to be next door but he moved four houses down. Since our pups are litter mates, it started out innocently enough as me bringing my pup to play with his all day. Then I’d return to pick up my pup in the evening. It seemed easy enough since he moved so close.

One day we were having morning coffee and I was showing him pictures of a few items on my phone that I had purchased. I thought he’d be interested in them because earlier he had expressed an interest in similar items and he does not have the internet to look things up. As I was telling him about my purchases and talking about the lapis lazuli and coffee jasper I had purchased, he went through a curtain that is between the living room and the kitchen. I assumed he was getting another cup of coffee, so I kept describing the items and was telling him I was excited to be getting these in the mail soon. I ended my sentence by saying…

“…are you even there? No? Ahh I didn’t think so. Oh my.” Sigh.

My friend had gotten up while I was talking mid sentence, went to the bathroom and was gone for a good long time. When he retuned he sat down and just kept staring at the floor, or his coffee cup. He didn’t ask what I had been talking about. In fact it was if I was not even in the room. Sometimes I would end a sentence with a question and he’d just smile at me or stare at the wall as if he were oblivious. It was clear he had not been paying attention, or could not hear me, or both. A clear sign of not caring. Even though my friend’s normal nature is to be reserved and quiet, I felt this was rude behavior. I’d never do anything like that to him. So I excused myself and left for work saying I had to get there early. My feelings were hurt.

Since this was about the 20th time he had done the same thing over the past year. I wanted to make sure I was not at fault. Was I welcome? When it was time for me to leave he would say ‘do you have to?’ which showed me he wanted my company. Was I dominating the conversation? The next day I said almost nothing, letting him have the floor. You could have heard a pin drop the entire time. Over time I had dismissed all those other times I felt ignored. Was I nothing better than a babysitter? Over time I made hundreds of excuses for his lack of caring. But this was not working for me. Casper Milk Toast would have better manners. And in a way I felt I was being used to keep him company…while he was ignoring me!? That’s not good.

Conversations should not be one way. Otherwise you are just playing handball with the drapes. Our conversations had been mostly one way for a long time. My buddy is not the talkative type and can be reserved, and often very needy. But  wanted someone to talk with, not to.  This whole thing made me reflect on the status quo. Is it time for a change on some level? My intuition had been nudging me for some time, trying to tell me that I was spending way too much time there. Between going for coffee, picking up the dog after work, our riding and our Saturday TV night, I think my stop at his home were in the range of between 12 and 18 a week. I have a hectic enough schedule and wouldn’t it be nice to cut that down?

The energy of the current relationship felt wrong. I believe everything is energy and this felt like being mired down in the mud, not being in flow. Time for a change. Doesn’t have to be drastic either, let’s not throw out the baby with the bath water. Immediately after making this decision the energy seemed to be feeling better already. That’s my gut telling me yes, I made the right choice. That night I had a vivid dream of driving onto the wrong pathway. I had taken a wrong turn. I turned the car back around and it was easy to get back on the right path. This is a clear sign to me. Very clear, that I am making the right decision.

Rearranging my schedule to put me more in the center of my own life, taking care of my needs first was key. This would be new on an everyday level and on a life level. I had never thought of me first. I cut my visits back to weekends. Riding was the core of our friendship and that’s the only time I can do it. We’d keep our Saturday evening with spaghetti and fun TV time because we laugh the whole time. Laughter is good medicine. With my extra time, I could do more with my animals and my meditation. This would mean having a leisurely time getting out the door and enjoying the special energy of early mornings, which I love so much. Ah, yes, this was working for me! And it worked for my friend too. He needs to get out and meet other people, and maybe even hook up with a special someone. If I keep going over all the time, he’ll feel no impetus to change things, and that someone special would think he was already taken.

Putting myself first and making healthier habits was new to me. Brand new. But I am a firm believer in being the author of my own life. Check the energy to see if it all feels right. It was hard to make these changes, but part of the old me that felt loyal to a fault was gone. The thought it was okay to take time for myself was new and refreshing. This felt better on a whole new level.

Humans are hard wired to follow habitual routines. So that’s good news in developing a new habit. Just stick with it for between 10 and 15 days and you have a new habit. 🙂 Trust your gut when you have a feeling that you want to do that old thing, but you know you shouldn’t. Resist for a few moments, recognize that you want to change, and do your new thing. I found the resisting part to be the hardest. So I substituted a small activity like pouring a cup of tea or even kicking the ball for the dogs. It only took seconds of changing my activity to get past the urge to do the old thing. If you want to change, it won’t take long. Keep in mind that old habit will not want to die out those first few times you try and change your routine. Stick with it! Believe me, meditation practice will help you with tasks like these even though it doesn’t seem logical.

It’s healthy to make such assessments and change in your life. You don’t need an incident to wake you up. Check the energy. How does it feel? You can make small changes that make big differences any time you feel the need. Make sure you are spending time doing what is good for you, your growth, and then consider others. In a way I was enabling my friend to not get out and experience more of life, and meet new friends. This feels better all the way around. Why didn’t I do this a year ago? Let’s not go there, lol.

Comments always welcome and encouraged. You will have to view this blog entry by itself by clicking on the headline, in order to make a reply at the bottom. 

 

 

 

 

Ask, relax, and allow the answer in

If you are using your intuition but are not getting anything, ask Spirit. I have heard it hundreds of times, and I know it intellectually. But sometimes it takes an awareness during or after an experience to really bring it home. It needs to rest in your heart. For me this has been a hit and miss affair. Something happened to me the other day that helped me get that part of the co-creating process. It was the lynch pin to my understanding.

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I tend to overthink things, but I am both a technical as well a creative person. It’s like having a foot in each world. I usually think things over a lot—sometimes too much—to get to know the How To part of anything new. This is part of the process of how I Grok something. Even something spiritual and intuitive in nature can be intellectualized before understanding dawns. Breaking things into smaller pieces to analyse them is a good way to understand the process. Experience and observation leads to internalizing. Once internalized, then you have something new for your toolkit! But something was missing for me. The other day I had an experience that brought it all home for me. Now I have this process internalized in a way that I will always know how to succeed.

Side Note: Observation about yourself is how you learn to do things differently in order to succeed. For me, the most surprising activity that helps incubate an a-ha moment is writing. I often take a few days to write my idea out, leave it, then pick it back up. Things will bubble on the back burner. Later I may see things differently, and sometimes solutions come up as I write. I am in no way a professional writer, and in fact only started a few months ago, so you can do this too.

This life changing a-ha moment was a combination of receiving heartfelt instruction, a bit of left-brain thinking, some writing, and then relaxing and letting go to receive the answer. It’s not quite …do these steps, 1, 2, 3, then you get it. It’s a sort of a hodgepodge. Once experienced you will not have to think on it. You’ll have it.

The problem: In an earlier blog post I explained how I hate the modern idea of marketing. There must be another way that is more authentic, more fun, more me. As I ruminated on an answer, I received the following advice from Rena kindred spirit. This advice helped me approach the answer in a new way.

“Look to Patty [yourself] for answers. Go to your God inside. You will know how to reach out and find “Patty People”. Your heart is a brain.”

Side Note: The idea that your heart is a brain is a relatively new idea kicking around the Spiritual community. In a newsletter I get from Gregg Braden he states: “The recent discovery of the ‘little brain’ in the heart [is] a collection of sensory neurons that think, remember and learn independently from the neurons in our brain…” It’s a topic worth looking into. Our society is sorely in need of balance between head and heart. 

The Key: The advice from Ren was heartfelt, simple and worked like a charm. Future support I received from her that day was as follows:  You got this! Deep breath. Go ride a horse, touch the earth, hug a tree, relax. Let go and allow in. You will succeed. I thought briefly about her advice, knowing she was right about the allowing part. The word ‘allow’ resonated with me and I knew for me that was key. But how to do that? Yep there I go thinking too much! It must be experienced. The fact that she was sure I would find my own answers was unexpected, kind, and lovely support. Being supported in that way felt great and very energizing! Do it when you can for others.

Knowing I have a tendency to overthink things, I knew the answer was to get outside to do chores. Physical activity is a great way to take a break. A dreaded chore for (some) horse owners is picking up horse poop with one of those large scooper rakes. For me, it’s a wonderful way to meditate. Like doing dishes by hand. It gets you in a frame of mind to be receptive, and you forget about everything else. This is good, like preparing the soil to be receptive to the seed.

The catalyst: As I scooped poop my mind went elsewhere and I relaxed. The day was lovely with bright sun and the coolness of autumn in the air. The quality of sunlight in October is unparallelled! Read the poem, October’s bright blue weather, by Helen Hunt Jackson. It was like being in one of those snow globes, experiencing a rare and gorgeous clear fall day. I was experiencing life in the moment. Then a solution to my marketing delima popped into my head and floated down like a leaf. There it was, waiting for me. It might not be the whole enchilada, but it is a stepping stone to success. Something doable and something very me. And I would not have thought of this on my own, without asking and being receptive to an answer.

The answer: Yes ladies and gentlemen, puttering is the answer to allowing. Finally I got it. Finally I understand the process! Allowing was the point where I was not getting it. (Your blocks may lie elsewhere.) I was working too hard and that intent focus became a roadblock to success. That had been the hiccup in my process. Now I know, puttering is a great way to get out of my own way and allow the Universe in!

So, if you feel stuck for answers, ask the Universe, do a little research to show that you are invested in working toward your goal, and go pick up some horse poop. ;-0 You will find where your roadblocks are if you are a genuine student of yourself/the Universe. If you strive to learn and understand, you will succeed! If you get outside support, good for you! Please don’t give up on yourself. You are worth it and your new understanding contributes to the whole, in ways you cannot imagine.

Please feel free to join in a dialogue, as this blog is meant to be a community forum for ideas, learning and sometimes a little entertainment. 😉

 

My dinosaur-sized bone of contention.

Don’t let anyone mess with your head. It can happen easily if you have been in a long-term relationship, or are in love. Being human, we all know everyone has different takes on what happened and what was said. We experience things differently, each one of us. Humans are fallible. If you have ever been on a jury, you will know that even if all twelve jurors hear the same words, there will be twelve interpretations of what was said. I’m here to tell you, do not ever let anyone tell you your version is not the truth, not true for you, or let them tell you your memory or opinion is wrong.

Back when I was married my husband would tell me my memories were not accurate, if things didn’t go his way in a discussion. And I mean he’d say this two seconds after I told him my version of..whatever. Like he thought I would not remember what I just said two seconds ago. I realize not everyone hears or sees things the same. That is not what he meant when he said that. He meant only he remembered things the right way or the right thing. You will not be surprised to learn this man had to win absolutely every discussion to make him feel good about himself. I realized long ago he loved arguing for the sake of argument and all he wanted was the win, at others expense. It made him feel superior. If he had a bad day at work, it made his day to squash me in anything. I tell you, love makes you blind!

My only defense in this impossible situation was to say “That’s how things are in my Universe.” I started to use that phrase and I really liked it. I lived by it. I guess I had to create my own space to be me. To experience things as I experienced them, to remember them as only I remembered them. A place to be me and be comfortable and safe. Now that I’m not in that relationship, I don’t use that phrase anymore. (I just realized that!) I don’t have a need since I’m a part of THE Universe.

My ex had a very high IQ and he thought that gave him carte blanche to be the head honcho, the winner, the boss, the man. But of my memories? No I think not. He constantly told me I had a problem with my brain and that I had memory recall problems. He really wanted to make me feel small and insufficient. He needed to win to feel he was alive. He was adamant about this, and insisted, to the point of having a week long hissy fit and personal implosion, that only he had the correct memory of anything we did or discussed. In his world, he was God. For him this was not negotiable to think anything else. This was a bone of contention for me. A big bone….like dinosaur sized.

Our relationship did not start out this way. At first his intelligence and creativity made him fun to be around. As the years passed he was fired from over 30 jobs due to his terrible Prima Donna attitude. The core of this attitude was he had to be right, always. It was never possible in his world that he was the one that needed fixing. To tell me I had memory problems was his way out of ditching any personal responsibility for his problems.

I learned years later of one particular meeting he had at a major university where he was presenting his web designs. He arrived late with no excuse, and told his boss, and people above his boss’ level they were wrong and he was right. Who were they to tell him anything about his designs? Then he stormed out of the meeting. No wonder he was fired. From there he slid into chronic unemployment and chronic anger at the outside world. It did not occur to him that he needed fixing. He always insisted his IQ was his identity and his best tool. How could it possibly be broken? To him it was inconceivable.

As his new mantra of ‘what you remember is wrong’  was more frequently used, it would make me furious. I had no way to combat it other than to insist I had my own views, in my own Universe. It was a construct that, at the time, worked for me. Those feelings of being furious at him for bringing up this myopic and unyielding viewpoint was my intuition telling me there was a huge, huge red flag in this relationship. I was not being treated right. This was not in my best interest. I was finally starting to wake up! I started to listen to this feeling inside me. I started standing up for myself more and more. I didn’t know it then, but I was finding my voice for the first time ever. This happened in my early 50s.

There were many red flags like this in a short period of time as the marriage crumbled. Like a house of cards falling, or the Matrix where the illusion falls apart. This occurred as I stood up for what I believed more frequently. As a result of me seeking equality and freedom, the arguments became more agitated and violent, and escalated very quickly, like Vesuvius going off every few days. There was a crack in the veneer of the marriage. It needed to happen. It was painful to experience, and I really had a hard time being on the planet. But it was necessary in my education about life and about finding my own voice. I believe Hell exists because it is here on Earth. I have been there. The saying “If you are going through hell, keep on going” was apt.

Now that I have had years of distance, those nightmare days seem like a faraway land. But the pain and suffering was very real at the time. I can still feel wave after wave of relief coming to me years after getting out of the abuse I suffered daily. Many lifetimes of relief! I sometimes wonder how many past lifetimes I affected by freeing myself. The relief feels so good, still. I feel like kicking my heels up! Now I would never listen to such advice about one person having ‘the truth’ or the God View. I would laugh at anyone who told me only they had the correct version of the truth. Then I would look back at the old me with some forgiveness and understanding.

The takeaway lesson kids is, it’s never okay for anyone to tell you your truth is wrong and their truth is right. No matter if they love you, or you love them. Listen to your instincts and intuition. Your truths can be different and leave it at that. Is it really that important to remember exactly what was said? Is it really important to win an argument? Instead of one person being right or wrong, shouldn’t we seek harmony as a result of any disagreement?

Lesson two would be the long-term view. When things brew slowly over the years and you are in it, you can’t see it happening. I didn’t see it happening until we were in the thick of things. It took years for me to wake up. Please don’t let that happen to you. Be vigilant of your values and how you let yourself be treated by others. If you find someone in your life does not have your best interest at heart, something is off. Reconsider what is really happening. Dismiss all the little things that the argument seems to be about, and look at how you are being treated overall. You might find the courage to scratch them off your list of friends or even spouses, as you find your own truth and your own voice. (Cue happy ending music and unicorns jumping over rainbows.)

Clutter holds energy, let it loose!

Okay, this is not a how-to guide for decluttering your home or environment, although I could certainly write an article about that. I was born to organize and declutter. However for almost two decades, I lived with a man who was a hoarder. At the time, I had no word for it. It started slowly and grew exponentially as our my spouse and the relationship fell out of center. Every room had a path through it that was about two feet wide. Boxes, clothing, computer pieces, camera parts, papers of all kinds and other assorted flotsam filled rooms to bursting. Sometimes up to the ceiling! There was no rhyme or reason to it, and none of the items had any use or value.Boxes-empty_165169310.jpgI could not staunch the flow, no matter what I tried. I could hardly live like this and combatted it daily. It crept under my skin during the day, and practically exploded out of me at night. It was like a thing that lived with us that was evil. But my spouse would have a week long fit, exploding in rage, if I were so rude as to mention ‘the mess.’ He didn’t see it that way and he felt I was nagging and unfair to him. Apparently I was the bad guy in this scenario.

I begged to clean up on the weekends when we had time. He’d oblige, and then ten minutes into it he’d have this ‘great idea’ to go to the hardware store to get materials for building shelves. Shelves for more junk. Shelves to organize the junk. Or 30 large plastic tubs to store all the junk in. To this day I can’t stand the sight of those big blue plastic tubs. We would spend all day at the hardware store, come home, spend ten more minutes on cleaning and quit. Now not only was there a huge mess, but a mess of building materials on top of everything else clogging up one of the few free areas left to me.

When we moved to a small 350 square foot apartment in Manhattan, I thought for sure we’d downsize. He insisted we take everything. In his absence, I threw out as much as possible. When we arrived, it took two full days to unpack the largest moving van money could rent. It all went up inside my tiny, clean, perfect apartment. There were stacks of boxes now that stood almost 11 feet high! Again there were only small paths between them. Almost no place for a bed. Nothing changed most of the nine years we spent there. Needless to say, we rarely had company.

After Manhattan, we moved to New Mexico. Finally we had a piece of property and some room to stretch out! However the home soon filled up with junk. A second building filled up with junk, soon Continue reading

Eating my problems

For a long time, I have had problems during or shortly after eating. This is definitely in the too much information category so I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say there was a lot of intestinal upset and extreme discomfort to deal with. I spent years trying to figure it out. First with my doctor, then on my own.

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No, I am not allergic to anything, it was not any particular restaurant, food item, cooking oil, it was not dairy, nothing like that. I relentlessly checked and researched everything it could be. I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I knew there was something worth discovering besides the obvious physical relief.

My research involved tracking when I ate, where I ate, how I ate, what was going on in my life that day. The whole shebang. My research showed that meal time was often the only time in my busy day I could relax. So I sat there in a daze, eating my food way too quickly and unconsciously, solving any problems on my plate. Going from being married to divorced and on your own means you are the only landlord, plumber, doctor, electrician, carpenter, bookkeeper, veterinarian, and fixer of problems at your household. There was much to think on. I came to call this unconscious and hurried consumption eating my problems. This was not a good way to take in nourishment! But there is more to it than that. This was the beginning of the solution to a long-term problem.

The realization that my GI tract was super sensitive and had a purpose beyond its normal function unlocked a lot of mysteries from my life. As a child I was swallowing those pink Pepto Bismol pills like candy. Children shouldn’t need to do this! I would run to the medicine cabinet downstairs to get them just in time to avoid an upset. This was usually while my parents were having a blowout. A typical week brought many of these upsetting verbally abusive, violent events. Looking back I must have been in great distress. And since my mother had her hands full dealing with the violence and atmosphere on her own, I could not always run to her for comfort.

If you have read my blog, you know by now my credo of Everything is Energy. A book I read that reinforces this in terms of your body being a large antenna for energy and vibes is The Tao of Equus: One woman’s journey of healing and transformation by way of the Horse, by Linda Kohanov. I highly suggest it as a great metaphysical, spiritual, horse, history and mythology lovers read. One of her main observations about the horse is, their largest, most accurate physical sensing tool is their gut. Their miles of intestines are super sensitive to energetic vibes all around them. Horses are, after all, prey animals and are always looking for danger in their natural environment. This concept can be easily understood and applied to the human as well. I too relied on this large sensing organ. My gut always told me if things were good or bad, safe or unsafe. It was my litmus test for life. It was my most reliable tool.

As a newly awakened, highly sensitive empath and intuitive, I now realize how easily I can be upset by, or in tune with the vibes, the atmosphere in a room, being in close proximity to anger, an argument, or fear. This really affects me greatly, and much more so than I realized. I knew our bodies are great antennas for picking up on all energies because I had my own personal proof. Almost all intuitive communications, for me, are sensed this way first—unless I’m asleep and dreaming. It is a good thing really. I can fine tune where I spend my time, how long I stay in a place of anger or bad vibes. I can sense if I am in good company or really good juju. So, for my new life, this gut sensing thing was working for me. But what was happening to this wonderful sensing tool of mine that I was in such distress? Was I misusing it, misunderstanding it, or on overload?

I knew the energy angle would tell me what I needed to know. As my research progressed, I felt like I was taking in bad energy, or too much disjointed, wiggling, frenetic vibes when I ate. I also discovered that in cases of high, happy energy, eating made me even more sick. I realized part of the problem was beyond being able to sense things energetically. I had to be more mindful what I do with this energy. NOW we are getting somewhere! Almost there!  Continue reading

On the word psychic

Years ago it was amazing if you knew anyone who knew anyone who admitted to being psychic, or even interested in such things. If you said you were one, you’d be ostracized by society and your family and friends would disown you. Between the misconceptions from Hollywood movies, and the hotline that promised to tell you all about your life and ‘predict’ your future, the term got a bad rap. 

I have never liked the word psychic because it carries undeserved negative connotations. It is overused, inaccurate, and grossly misunderstood. Time to shed a very off-putting term that totally misrepresents. And time to move on to a new term that more accurately represents what many of us do and feel. I like it when people are accurate about their abilities. That is what I have come to honor and respect. The word psychic is out of my vocabulary and instead I use the term intuitive, intuitive reader, or intuitive healer.

Contrary to popular belief intuitives don’t know everything about everyone. It does not work like that. Imagine the sensory overload! And they don’t and shouldn’t ever predict the future. Why? Because you have free will, and you are always in charge of your own life. No one and nothing can change that. I have three pages devoted to clarity and truth about readings under my services menu: About Readings, Readings fact and fiction, and Before & After a reading.

People who read for others are highly intuitive, and more in touch with Spirit. They don’t see the future laid out before them. Anyone that tells you they can see your future and tells you what to do is full of it. It’s more like getting small snippets of advice from Spirit and/or your guides to help you on your path. I’ve heard it described like this: Getting a glimpse of the ‘other side’ is like looking at this other world through a hole the size of a pin prick. Your life is yours to create, and all any gifted intuitive person should do is be a go between, a connection, between you/your questions, and Spirit.

Note the term Guides, it’s pretty accurate. Spirit/your guides will never tell you what to do. They will never ever make a choice for you. It’s not their role. They don’t have the authority to push you through an open door. They will guide you, and show you options. You must make a choice for yourself. Think of it this way, every single moment in your life you are making a choice, even if you are not doing anything. I am reminded of lyrics from a song called Freewill by Rush. 

“If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.”

Use readings for insights and guidance to make the best choices for your path forward. I would rather see someone never get a reading in their life, but instead work on honing their skills of intuition, than have a bad reading experience. I do intuitive readings to be a link between you and your guides if you have questions or want guidance. Don’t ever let anyone take the responsibility for running your life out of your hands. You are always in charge. You are the captain of your ship! Steer wisely! 

Comments, stories, opinions and personal insights are always welcome!