Messages via forgotten lyrics

The other day I was feeling out of sorts, at odds with the world and myself. Think square peg in a round hole. A general malaise of having no focused life’s purpose in serving others yet, despite many attempts at different ways to serve. I have a very strong feeling to be of service. My chosen lifestyle in the country makes it hard to find the energy and time to commit to a business of my own where I can serve others. I am constantly on the go and already over extended. But it’s the life I love! So when exactly was I expecting this total life change to occur out of thin air?

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Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations. But I can feel something is out there, down the road a bit. Something bigger. Something better. My way to be of service will materialize at some point. But it feels so overdue. That’s a hard feeling to resolve when it’s a gray day outside and you are in the day-to-day trenches. I guess I felt like Charlie Brown with a little rain cloud following me around.

Haven’t you heard it before? All you have to do is follow your passion. I have taken it to heart seriously. Which passion do I choose? My efforts to serve have, over the years, included landscape and rodeo photography, reiki, psychic readings, teaching classes on dumping drama, using intuition, and reading and teaching Tarot to others. Other interests I am working on include crystal energy, numerology, astrology and animal communication. I am passionate about all of them. There isn’t one interest I would drop. They are all important to my Earth School education. I feel I am like a sponge soaking up information left and right and I don’t want to stop.

But that feeling of not being out there in service persists. Perhaps I should trust in Source a little more? Maybe even though I’m pushing 60, I am not meant to blossom in a public way yet or at all? Maybe I don’t need to follow the popular path of making a business out of it and striking out on my own? Maybe I already serve in others ways I am not aware of? Maybe I’ll run into this way to be of service when it is meant to happen and not before then? I have a habit of living too much in my head, but I love the questions I have and the answers that often follow later. Like little puzzles that get solved over time. I also balance the over-think mindset with tons of feelings. Think Empath. I experience it all. So I feel very balanced, but man there is a lot to process regarding thinking and feeling.

As I was having my day-long pity party I thought about ways to get out of a funk. Smile. Get active. Dance. Jump around. Sing a song. So I started singing an old song:

To everything turn turn turn
There is a season turn turn turn
And a …(forgot lyrics)..heaven.

What’s with that? I know those lyrics. Why does that part escape me? Still trying to conjure them up I kept singing out loud. I figured that way it would come out of my mouth without having to think about it. Sure enough on the third time, it was a charm.

To everything turn turn, turn
There is a season turn turn turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven.

A-ha! Lightbulb time! Take a gander at the words I had to work at recalling. This made them stand out to me. What an obvious way for my inner voice/ intuition/Spirit to tell me to be patient, and that the time will come. I had this ‘message via forgotten lyrics’ happen one other time years and years ago. So it’s not a well used catalyst for communicating messages, but very effective. It is very conducive to an a-ha moment, which sticks with a person.

Feel free to share ways you have received messages. This blog is meant as a forum for discussion and commentary. Comments are welcome and encouraged. 

My 96 year-old inspiration.

The other day I was out running errands on my lunch hour. I had taken extra time that morning to dress a bit nicer than my usual blue jeans, cowboy boots and tee shirt. My ensemble included a long gray fleece skirt, a dusty blue shirt with lace detail yolk, a very long fluffy blue and white scarf with dangles I wound around my neck, a long silver daisy chain necklace, tiny blue lapis earrings, and an older soft jean jacket. Nothing stunning, but for me a nice change. Classy yet comfortable. Sometimes dressing up a bit makes your mood lighter, and you feel more confident.

I was pushing my shopping cart forward in the aisles, thinking the carts were a bit large for the aisle space. Not a big complaint but as a result I was very careful when passing other folks who were getting their shopping done. One such person was a sweet looking lady, very petite. I doubt she tipped the scales at 90 pounds she was so small. Under a black Tam o’ shanter hat a lovely bunch of wavy, black and dark blue hair came spilling out. The blue looked like the color you add on with foam spray. Nice touch. Her features were very fine and set amongst a lifetime of delicate wrinkles. If anything they added to her charm. There is no shame in aging I say. I thought to compliment her on her looks but decided to stop and let her decide which frozen item to get out of the case. I hate to rush folks, especially the elderly, or young mothers with children in tow.

After I moved on a voice behind me said, “My, your skirt perfectly matches your lovely gray hair.” I was astonished to see it was this sweet lady I had just been silently admiring. We struck up a conversation on the topic of gray hair. She lamented, “I haven’t got any gray hair yet and I’m 96!” Well folks, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I knew she was possibly an octogenarian, but to be out shopping and on her own, clearly able to fend for herself at that age really impressed me. To have all your faculties, focus, and beautiful style at almost 100 years old was impressive to say the least. I would also say she is an inspiration. Something for me to shoot for as I gracefully age (ahem).

On the topic of aging gracefully, as little as four years ago I had dark brown hair that I started dying blonde. It was a fun few years and it took years off my looks. But the upkeep and expense of dying long hair was getting to be too much. I’m a person that needs really easy, low maintenance habits. I held my breath and took the plunge and decided to accept my hair and features as nature intended. (I wear little to no makeup.) Still, when I see pictures of myself, especially on today’s video chat, I am wondering, who is that lady with the gray hair? Oh, that’s ME! Kind of makes me laugh. It takes some getting used to but I am really beginning to like exactly who I am. I will continue to be inspired by the sweet little old lady I met in the frozen foods aisle. If I have half her charm and style at 96, I’ll be doing just fine.

What have you seen recently that has inspired you? Comments are welcomed and encouraged. 

A catalyst for change, from the heart.

There’s a fun song by Ray Charles called Smack Dab in the Middle. Have a listen, it’s a fun song. My question to you is, are you smack dab in the middle of your world? If not, why not? I know it sounds selfish and self-centered to make you be first. But isn’t that the best way to be able to assist others? I think I have written about this before here. The message is, you can only truly be of service once your own house is in order. Caring for myself first, I knew on an intellectual/informative level. Think Head. But the idea had not quite come home to roost. Think Heart. This post explains how I made the change from head to heart.

If you are the caretaker for others, be they human or animal, you have to be and think and do for yourself first. You can’t keep giving and giving without you at the center. Otherwise your well will run dry and when you try and ‘fix’ what is wrong you’ll be out of energy. You might not even realize what is wrong. That’s where I have often found myself of late. But I have felt so very connected to Spirit these past years, how could this be? (Chuckling to myself.)

The almighty Universe has a way of sending lessons when you need them, in the most unlikely of forms. Usually one after the other in quick succession to get your attention. I call that the 2×4 over the head. You’d think by now I’d be wearing a cosmic helmet! The last lesson to me came by way of my horse, Silver.

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In the middle of a rare sleet storm at 10:32pm my horse Silver went sick. I was surprised when my vet returned my call about a minute after I left a voicemail message. Off we went arriving in town around midnight. We left Silver in good hands. Silver went for two visits over a 10 day period until we figured out what it was. At first we thought it was colic, which can kill a horse. Turned out he has ulcers. At least ulcers are treatable and not fatal. So relieved, but that 10 days was hard on my nerves. It felt like I was walking on pins and needles, the feeling in my core was panic. Yeah, that’s not good. What’s up with that? Where did my calm demeanor go. You know, the one that comes forward when I give other people advice? (Oh the irony!)

Worries that compounded my situation were many. My elderly dog, Google, is my soul dog. His attitude is stellar but he’s near the end of his time on the planet, that is clear. My elderly mother is on my mind. I live 1200 miles away from her and I miss her. A family member who is dear to me has been diagnosed with cancer. The family is still reeling from the news. At my job, I work with good folk, but I have to be there in mind and body. All these things plus Silver’s problem added up to feeling totally overwhelmed and a little wobbly. Pema Chödrön would say it is good to get used to that feeling of groundlessness. Oh that’s hard to do. It takes practice. I know I should not let things I have no control over worry me a la Byron Kaite. But it’s hard to drop all that other stuff, especially if those involved are close to your heart.

During this ten day ordeal before we got the diagnosis on Silver, my friend Ren and I were texting. I told her I felt overwhelmed, drained, and in a panic. This is not my usual ‘from love’ space. It was a ‘from fear’ space, and she and her son could see this. She asked me a question. A real life changing question. She said…

“Got a hard question for you: Is Patty or are Patty’s Animals #1 in your world?”

In the past the answer has always been, my animals come first. I would brag to people my animals are fed in the morning before I eat. I pop out of bed like toast, rush to get outside to feed. I am out in my chore boots, PJ’s, bathrobe and coat before the sun is up, complete with headlamp so I can see the hay bales in the dark. I look like a walking rummage sale.

Is it necessary to eclipse my own life to care for others? Is this level of care really necessary? Well knock me over with a feather! By answering the question, I could see past events of my life with deep clarity. On the spot I was able to rethink my core actions and act from that new center of self-love. Wow. Powerful stuff. I had been putting everyone else first, and that had been so hard wired in me. There is nothing wrong with caring for your critters or other folk, but to not put yourself first means you can drain yourself unnecessarily. Your world will seem off center, like seeing from the perspective of being picked up by the tornado. If you come from center, you can be the calm eye of the storm. I knew my friends’ words rang true and it was a great catalyst for change. It was a large pivot point for living the rest of my life from.

There is a better way to live and still care for everyone. As nurturers, women are taught to give and do and make and cook and bring and organize and tutor and orchestrate and comfort and direct and teach and you name it. I needed to unlearn a lot of old programming in how to approach this role.  Ren told me when she made this change to loving the self first, she didn’t love her kids any less. In fact she loved them more, because she loved herself more. Folks this is a golden nugget of information, founded in love. I could work with this! I could still work with Spirit, love and care for myself, and then tackle what the rest of the world brought to my door. Wise words indeed! I am much indebted to Ren for this awakening in me.

I instantly was able to re-arrange my day on the fly, taking care of what I needed, before caring for others. It was a small change, that made a big difference, and no one was left wanting as a result. In fact everything felt better, more right, and more natural. So simple, yet so powerful. Now this lesson had come home to roost in my heart.

Before you go out into the world assisting others, keep this in mind. What base are you operating from? A base of self-love first, caring for yourself first? Are you really truly coming from love, or are you coming from a sense of guilt or a sense of duty? It’s a hard question to ask. But for me, it changed my life in an instant. You can do this too.

Comments always welcomed and encouraged. 

 

 

Strange energies abound—How about you?

The following is mostly word-for-word between myself and a long time friend. It pretty much describes the feeling of being in a holding pattern, being involved, yet not seeming to get anywhere despite lots of work. Not quite stuck, but not going anywhere yet. Experiencing some of the crazy energy patterns at this time of great change. My friends response to me was articulate in a way that is clearer than I could have described it. Plus she hit the nail on the head several times. Read on.

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Dear Faye,

I have this feeling of not being able to land….and flying round in the air instead. Yup. That’s the stuck feeling I have been in for a while. Stuck is really too harsh a word. It’s more like a holding pattern. I feel like I’m doing everything right, but things are not aligned yet. Much is happening on many fronts, but I don’t feel like I am moving forward exactly. It does not feel wrong by any means. I can’t go back to where I was, and going forward is not quite ‘a go’ even though I know what I need to do. I also feel exhaustion off and on. Mostly on. What’s your take on it? Are you experiencing the same thing?

Dear Patty,

This energy lately has been hard. That’s the only word I have for it. I can see everyone around me stressed all at the same time. Sometimes interactions are coming out sideways.

I know that every moment there is a choice to buy into the negative expiring energy or relax and find the fresh and new. Sometimes I fall back into patterns and “everything sucks, this isn’t fair, etc.” Other times I am able to take a breath and rise above. Either way it’s hard to stay unaffected.

It’s feels like watching that storm happening outside. You know you are inside where it is warm and dry. You know it’s unlikely a tree will fall on your house or a tornado will tear off your roof, but you still can’t really relax until the storm passes.

Interesting thing is that I am noticing more and more people that seem asleep. I don’t know if that means I am becoming more aware or just that energy changes are highlighting things.

The other day I needed to drive downtown. I was passed by a car going too fast who cut me off. You know the situation: I’m following a car going the speed of traffic, who is following another car ahead of you, etc., etc. There really is nowhere to go faster than the crowd, but yet, this person just “needs” to pass you because you’re not going fast enough. We drove together for 20 minutes. I went the speed of traffic. They tried to pass and weave and get ahead. We arrived down town literally side-by-side, but I think we had much different trips.

I’m trying really hard to not be the person in that car who is not recognizing that they have a choice. They are only making it difficult for themselves and less enjoyable for others traveling with them.

I resonated so deeply with her response. She said it better than I could have. I loved to hear her perspective on things since we seem to have parallel experiences in the Jungles of Time and Space. The storm analogy gave me chills and I felt that was true for me. I feel like I am part of a huge worldwide energy storm, witnessing it in action as I sit on the sidelines in wonder and awe. Sometimes I have to get dressed in my mukluks and macintosh and go out and be in that storm. Sometimes I can sit on the sidelines. One thing is true, no one can get out from under what we are experiencing now. We are all in it. Some feel safer than others and some are more affected by it. Some days are great, some days I’m Dorothy in the cyclone.

The story of the driver of the other car is a great reminder to me to slow down my thinking and return to center when I am in a panic. Being in a panic is not being very grounded or spiritually connected. It happens to all of us. It’s a crazy disjointed way to expend energy since you can’t get to where you want to go any faster than the ‘traffic’ around you. I have to remind myself what is going on in the outer world is not always serving the highest good, and to take note of it, and act/or not, accordingly. I hate it when I have relapses of panic or frustration. They seem to happen almost daily with life’s little ups and downs. It feels a little embarrassing to lose my cool or get flustered. Conversely if I see others in a panic, rage, frustrated or doing other similar activities, I like to be the space for them to do what they need to, and send love. 

This is another way meditation helps. As soon as you notice you are off track, gently return to center without judgment. My image is like moving a bubble with a feather. Gently acknowledge you were off track and return to grace. You can do this anytime, not just in meditation. That’s as graceful as it gets. Every time you return to center is a victory. Even if you feel you were the bull in the China shop. Every time you return to center makes it easier to do it next time. And it energetically helps everyone else.

Make some small movement and things that have felt stuck will eventually shift. Give it time. keep forging ahead in little ways each day. There will be periods of rest that seem like stagnation. Nothing is stagnant. Trust me on this. Every day I do get better and better. Some days I feel the weight of many more years of ‘stuff’ to get through. Some days I feel like I am one of the lucky ones to be on earth at this time. Elated, energized and ready to rock!

If you need inspiration, keep in mind it’s not just all about you, or me, or one individual. It’s not even just about your town, the country or the planet. Spirit is always learning from us. I always think of it this way, Spirit is helping us and we are the ones in the trenches. They admire us for being on the front lines. You are a trailblazer right along with the best of them. So keep on keepin on, and be good to your fellow travelers along the way.