Realization Drops In

As I was raking up years worth of old leaves and branches my mind started wandering in that lovely way that it does. I was thinking how my personal evolution has progressed and changed so drastically in the past few years, and how I now understand myself so much better than I ever have before. I know that being a sensitive person and living with an open heart changes your perspective totally. I live from a place of wanting to serve others. In that way I grow the most. It stretches me the most. It’s still very new way of life for me.

As I was raking, I thought about how I never seemed to have any specific goals in my career. I’ve had many different jobs over the past 48 years. In fact one position I held for over 16 years I did three totally different jobs. I enjoyed and excelled at all three positions because I have many different skills, and a strong desire to serve. But I always felt I either stumbled into these jobs or created them out of pure necessity. I never had any goals to be anything in particular.

I wondered why that was.

It occurred to me that most other people on the planet have specific goals, desires, and aspirations for what they want and where they want to be professionally speaking. Even when I was trying to decide a major for college between marine biology or art—two totally different subjects I felt equally suited for—it was an agonizing and difficult decision to make. I could not make up my mind. I could not picture where I wanted to be in 10 years. I did not have a specific role I wanted to fill. I wondered, was I a lazy person? Why did I lack this desire when so many others had it? What is wrong with me?

As I pondered my supposed lack of ambition and drive the answer very quietly dropped into my head. As a person who wants to serve others, there is no need, no desire to set a goal of how you want to be of service. All a person has to do is show up and wait for instruction on how to best be of service. It does not matter what the task is, or who the employer is, or what the role is. What matters is the driving force to be of service. And that is all there is to that!

It’s funny that we don’t teach that in school, but instead try and drive people to specific categories, or roles. My personality drives my success and has been responsible for all the various roles I have played in my long working career. I realize that now. That’s how I should have operated from the get go. I guess all this time I was operating that way, but I was never consciously aware of it. I believe that would have helped me feel more like I fit in, had I realized that about myself.

A NOTE ON PASSION: You always hear people saying “follow your passion” but what if you have dozens of them? That’s not exactly good advice either. Conversely, if you have no passion for anything in particular, it may make you feel that you don’t fit in, or that something is wrong with you. The follow your passion drum is sounding loudly these days, but I feel it does not serve all of us equally. Perhaps it would serve you well to simply let passion flow through as you do whatever it is you want to for a living or for your life. Passion follows you when you do something, anything, you love. Don’t beat yourself up if you have not ‘found your passion’ yet. Do a little soul searching and perhaps find a purpose rather than a passion. You can Google dozens of good articles on purpose vs passion.

My Answer may be your answer. If you are still struggling to know why you don’t feel that you fit into any particular part of the world, or you have not “found your passion,” maybe you are a person driven to simply serve in whatever capacity is needed at the time, wherever you happen to be. For me, striving for a particular goal would have been a terribly awkward and confusing way of operating. Progress would have seemed elusive and futile. Now that I know this about myself at—nearly at the end of my working career—I laugh about it and think about how I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, and I did just fine.

If you have no particular professional desire, passions or goals, maybe you too are a person who simply wants to be of service in whatever capacity is needed at the time. Maybe that is your purpose. That’s a great place to be, and society will always need people like you! Be open to whatever is next and in that way, you can follow your heart.

When does caring turn to interfering?

I have a deeply ingrained urge to help others, to be of assistance when I can. It’s part of being an empath. I feel strongly for others. I have a tendency to take someone under my wing and advise them if they seem needy. There are many people I listen to and never give advice to as they seem wiser than yours truly. But for those who seem like they could use a hand, I advise. I suggest. I hope. I inform. I try and give the information—the benefit of my own experience—to save them trouble. But where is that middle ground between helping and interfering? Between caring and expecting too much? Today I question my own motives in getting involved with others. People have their own path to walk, their own lessons to learn. I want to be able to let people have their own experiences. Will I be able to do this?

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My secret Super Power! The upside of being sensitive.

My writing process involves actual physical feelings that occur as I work on stories. The paragraphs come alive, I have realizations, a-ha moments, and there is growth as I write. By the time I am done, the entire article has a glow felt in my body. Everything comes together and I feel a glow in my chest and abdomen as I write or proofread. It’s so cool. 🙂 I can tell which paragraphs need work because that physical feeling might be absent, or it does not feel good. When ideas are really popping I have a dozen stories in draft form at any one time. As I scan my list of drafts to decide which one to work on next I get a physical feeling—BOOM—and I have my answer. I chuckle to myself because this is not only fun, it’s awesome! It’s like having a secret super power. Eight months ago this was not true. It’s something that has recently developed. Probably due to my recent low points leaving me super sensitive to all that goes on.

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Acting on a feel

Did you ever get little nudges and hints from the Universe? Recently I’ve been getting nudges to slow down. I have mentioned before that I usually get the Cosmic 2×4 on the head because I am simply not paying enough attention to fill-in-the-blank. I hear messages, feel and sense I must pay attention to something, and start making changes to accommodate. Sometimes my efforts are not enough. I’m dancing around it but not getting it. And I don’t realize I am not getting it because my nose is too close to the grindstone. When the Universe sees you working on it, but you don’t really get the core message, it will let you know. The following story illuminates this perfectly.

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The End of Black & White Thinking

Well, I hope it is the end of black and white thinking! I had a great experience that will forever remind me to think outside of the Capricorn stick-in-the-mud black and white thinking mindset. Don’t get me wrong, us Capricorns are great for getting things done. We have great organizational and fiduciary skills, plus are very grounding for a lot of folks. We strive to accomplish, by simply and quietly putting one hoof, er foot, in front of the other, while keeping the end goal in sight. Ah but we can be stubborn creatures as well. Yes that word stubborn. That “thing” I have been working on as of late. Case in point follows.

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Those uncomfortable feelings that come with change

Being in a new landscape between point A and point B is very disconcerting. It’s downright annoying, uncomfortable, and I wish it would go away. Sort of. Lately I have been changing the landscape of my life. Getting out of the habit of visiting with my riding partner every day for coffee, dropping off groceries, horse medicine or tack, or what have you. They have all been excuses for me to have someone to talk to before or after my work day. An excuse to ‘play house’ when that’s not what is good for my future or his. This is not my new family. I’m pretending and I’m hiding. For awhile it has meant someone to bond with. Someone to talk to. But this is not a good choice for me going forward.

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Messages via forgotten lyrics

The other day I was feeling out of sorts, at odds with the world and myself. Think square peg in a round hole. A general malaise of having no focused life’s purpose in serving others yet, despite many attempts at different ways to serve. I have a very strong feeling to be of service. My chosen lifestyle in the country makes it hard to find the energy and time to commit to a business of my own where I can serve others. I am constantly on the go and already over extended. But it’s the life I love! So when exactly was I expecting this total life change to occur out of thin air?

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A catalyst for change, from the heart.

There’s a fun song by Ray Charles called Smack Dab in the Middle. Have a listen, it’s a fun song. My question to you is, are you smack dab in the middle of your world? If not, why not? I know it sounds selfish and self-centered to make you be first. But isn’t that the best way to be able to assist others? I think I have written about this before here. The message is, you can only truly be of service once your own house is in order. Caring for myself first, I knew on an intellectual/informative level. Think Head. But the idea had not quite come home to roost. Think Heart. This post explains how I made the change from head to heart.

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