In my last post I thought I had solved a long-standing physical issue just as I felt I was on the cusp of moving forward. The Universe had other plans for me. There was much from my past still stuck in my body (aka PTSD) that needed processing and ousting. I believe the body holds onto trauma long after you have processed it emotionally and mentally. You feel fine, like you are over it. But then comes a trigger and your body is instantly in panic mode. Then you realize you have more to process and let go of.
It has not been a easy road. In fact it’s been very bumpy, drawn out, and terribly inconvenient. But clearing the decks and letting go of the past comes before you can move on. I had forgotten this in my excitement at the idea of achieving a new level. I cut cords to those from my past one more time and added a good dose of forgiveness for all parties involved, including myself. The road to healing is more than about the body. You must heal at every level.
The other day I was on the phone with a professional from a trusted company. On the call we were dealing with a problem. These things happen. However, I felt like a steam roller went over me. I was not being listened to…at all. I could not get a syllable in edgewise. Someone at his end screwed up. Each time I tried to speak, he interrupted again with his line of thinking, and…he was scolding me! At this point I felt totally humiliated, shamed and small, with a feeling of not knowing what just happened.
Last night I had errands to run after a full day at work. These days a full day at work is a bit much to take, but I do my best. My meds for my neuralgia make me feel like I’m going through molasses. Some days I work at home and that helps cut the stress. It cuts out 4 hours of commuting per week, and that is really helping. Every bit counts.
I had groceries to unpack after my long commute home, then picked up the pup from the neighbors. As I get in the door I have a lot to take care of right away. Geese need to be put in their pen, check water and feed. Make sure the door is raccoon proofed. Haul in and put groceries away. Put the clean dishes away that are on the kitchen counter, and do another batch. (I can’t stand having dirty dishes.) I make dinner for my three dogs. At my house it’s the rule that animals are fed before humans. I make sure the Senior and favorite soul dog, Mr. Google, gets his meds, and I take his leg brace off for the night. Only then I can make myself dinner, and finally sit down. At this point I’ve been going since 5:00 am. It’s now 7:30pm.
You are always in charge of your life. No one else is. Just you. Really. And no one person, no outside circumstance or event can change that. The quality of your life and the direction it takes on a moment-by-moment basis is now, and always has been, in your control.
Here is a quote from Viktor Frankl that illustrates this point. He spent time in Nazi concentration camps and this was one of his insights.
Yup. Guess how much time you spend dreading something rather than just doing it? A lot. Meetings, a phone call, sending an email, cleaning the house, doing the dishes, going to that reunion, etc. Whatever it is, I promise you if you are dreading the task, it is best to get it out of the way quickly or accept that it is in your future and stop the dread.
Case in point, I used to dread doing the dishes by hand every night. Where I live the water is so hard, your fancy dishwasher will last about a year. It helps being just one person so dishes don’t pile up. But also being just one person means no one else can help me do those nasty dishes. Dang! So, one day I had been thinking and thinking how much I hated doing those dishes, but they must be done so it does not compound (more dishes). An experiment was in order. I drew a sink full of soapy water and noted the time. Taking care to do a good job, not be in a hurry, so my experiment would be true to my everyday life. Usually I also wipe all the counters and give the stove Continue reading →