Slammed to the ground

Earlier this summer (2017) I was on my tall thoroughbred horse, Silver, and all was going well. It was an ideal day, warm and lazy. Everyone was very relaxed. We stopped so I could move a small canteen of water from my partner’s horse to my horses’ saddlebags. Apparently he did not like the new item in there, the sloshing noise, the clinking of the ice cubes in it, or the shifting of weight on his hind end. After 2 steps he started bucking hard. As in rodeo hard. I managed to stay on for almost 3 of those bucks, and since I was not expecting it, was unable to hang on and slow him down. Once my rear was out of the saddle, it never touched it again. Without being IN the saddle, yanking on reins that are flying all over is useless. I was going to have to launch hoping my head would avoid the many rocks around me.

Slamming to the earth on hard packed ground took a great deal out of me. I literally could not breathe for what should have been the beat of three and a half breaths. My diaphragm stopped working until it could recover from the shock. Since I could not breathe even though I was trying, I thought I was a gonner. It felt like my lungs were full of cement. I was hoping my transition would be fast, let’s get this over with. I was curious about the transition anyway. Oddly I had no regrets or other thoughts other than, let’s get this over with. After the third non-breath I was able to inhale a tiny bit of air. And then more, and more, until I could sort of breathe. Okay I guess I won’t be making my transition today.

My partner took the horses back the mile and a quarter to the truck and trailer, and drove through a dry riverbed to pick me up. My dogs made me proud that they stuck by me and guarded me even though my pup whimpered and felt conflicted that his brother dog, the horses and the other human left us behind. He trusted that he needed to stay near me. He laid down and did not leave my side, and same with my other dog. ❤

The impact was so hard I could not stand up for a full 45 minutes. I managed to get on all fours to breath and then I lay crumpled on the ground. As I gasped for air, I saw the imprint of my leg on the road. Visible on the hard packed earth was every single stitch of the side seam of my jeans. My partner helped me up into the truck, and laid the seat back. I was in such pain. It took two days until I felt well enough to stand an hour long car ride to town to go to urgent care. Since I knew nothing major was broken I did not call 911. X-rays showed a cracked pelvis and 3 cracked ribs. Ouch-ola.

There were many unwanted changes due to my immobility and pain levels. It’s a bit frustrating that my summer plans were all cut short in an instant. It’s like The Tower card from a tarot deck, which indicates large, sweeping changes. Tough but necessary for a clean slate. I wanted to get out more and go to events around town this summer, finally. I wanted to exercise myself and dogs more every day and had a good start on it, finally. I wanted to do tarot readings in public at a local restaurant and had worked up the courage to do it, finally. I would not be able to ride any horse for months. All my plans, ideas and inspirations for summer were gone in an instant.

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I found it humbling to have someone help me to the bathroom, help me into or out of bed, in a home that was not mine, with a man I had no intimate relationship with. My friend slept on his rock hard sofa for two days until I was well enough to go to town to get x-rays. I had to depend on someone else and my usually fierce independence had to melt away into total appreciation and acceptance. Luckily I was able to work from home and keep my job.

Finding a nice cocoon of time around me I now had acres of time for other things that were not physically taxing. I finally felt more balanced, more real. Why did it take being thrown as if a giant picked me up and slammed me to the ground to get into this more balanced zone? To a place where I was truly doing nothing and totally okay with it? I have been known to have a very thick head [read stubborn] and I had to let go of a lot of my concrete plans. I call that the proverbial Universal 2×4 across the head because I must have ignored the dozens of other signs from Spirit that said slow down and pay attention.

A few weeks into my convalesence I got an email from someone I have followed for years who does animal communication. I knew her work, and of her authenticity. She was offering classes and somehow that inner bell rang for me that this was to be followed up on. About 8 years prior I had taken classes from a local person learning to do intuitive readings. Intuitive information and readings was something that came naturally and easily to me. This new class I could do from the comfort of my own home and had been meaning to take it for years, and included animals. Woo hoo! Most importantly, I felt had time to do this. There seemed to be a wide swath of time ahead of me with nothing on the docket. This felt perfect, as if my entire life full of love for animals was coming into sharper focus. Thanks to my large white animal for creating a time for me to work on this. Talk about animal communication!

There were other gems that came out of this about face that are still coming to light. The accident was in early August, and it took me until December to even write about it. I knew there was a bigger picture I was not seeing at the time. There have been many realizations, appreciations, changes to my life since the accident. All of them good. Sometimes gifts come in the strangest of packages! But don’t be so stubborn that you have to be thrown to the ground to wake up! 😉 ❤

 

Those uncomfortable feelings that come with change

Being in a new landscape between point A and point B is very disconcerting. It’s downright annoying, uncomfortable, and I wish it would go away. Sort of. Lately I have been changing the landscape of my life. Getting out of the habit of visiting with my riding partner every day for coffee, dropping off groceries, horse medicine or tack, or what have you. They have all been excuses for me to have someone to talk to before or after my work day. An excuse to ‘play house’ when that’s not what is good for my future or his. This is not my new family. I’m pretending and I’m hiding. For awhile it has meant someone to bond with. Someone to talk to. But this is not a good choice for me going forward.

My riding parter and I have a totally platonic relationship. He’s a good friend, but that is where it ends. I do not wish anything more with him. To say I have been hiding inside that relationship as an excuse to not take chances with my heart would be stunningly accurate. It has been a nice place to rest, on a plateau, for awhile, to let my soul stretch out a bit. For the record, single life has meant a lot of enjoyment for me to do exactly as I please, when I please. After having lived with a controlling abuser for 18 years, it’s been a lovely ride being on my own! I have created an almost perfect life for myself. Almost.

I have known for a long time now that things need to change. I have still not made the change totally but I’m almost there. Otherwise how will I ever move on to the next phase of my life? When will I have time or opportunity to meet my new life partner? Don’t I have a dream of meeting that perfect man who has a great sense of humor, loves horses and animals, and has his own property? How will that happen if I am not getting myself out there or always at someone else’s home hanging out? Where is the partner I can wake up next to that has fun over a cup of early morning coffee as we both try and squeeze open our eyes to the supposed real world. Where is that guy I go on long rides with and can spend my remaining years with as a lover and friend? I know he’s out there.

The first part of going from point A to point B was drastically reducing my visits to my platonic partner. He has done nothing wrong at all. In order to change, I needed to refocus. Making the change was hard and yet in some ways it was easy. It meant a lot more time alone at my somewhat isolated home in the sticks. I made the change a few weeks ago with the plausible excuse that I needed more time to prepare for my job, more time to cut stress out of my life by meditating each morning, more time to prepare for my day. I had a stressful week the week before and it showed on all levels. This was mostly true so it felt like a natural way to break things off, with the exception of the one weekend ride we do together. Okay, that’s done and no one got their feelings hurt. What’s next?

This change would mean a talkative person who likes to converse, being alone much of the time and it was not something I was looking forward to. How would I handle it? I knew that I needed to face my fears before moving forward. This happens one moment at a time. To give you an idea of my mindset, it is important to know that in the past five months I have lost my soul dog, my first and most loved horse, Scar (which about tore my heart out) and two geese, one of which was with me for over 13 years. My little farm family was greatly reduced. Today I am hurting and still numb. Spending more time with myself at the core, at the center of things, energetically was a scary prospect because of my recent losses. What would I find when I went within? How would I handle it?

Once I spent some time alone and slowed down, something really good came up out of the numbness. I had this picture of my much smaller animal family and myself, all our hearts in unison, in a smaller orbit. It felt like a smaller but higher quality life we were all building together. Good juju. New. An unknown and unexperienced landscape.

The next month is being spent being alone and sometimes, doing nothing which is actually almost impossible for me. I crave accomplishing things at my property and home because it needs work, and my ego loves seeing progress. Doing nothing is much harder said than done but will get my human doing mind to be a human being mind again. I need to get back to ground zero, a new ground zero. In a way it is like getting to know myself better, as opposed to filling the time with activities that avoid the inevitable meeting myself at my brand new level of existence. This is a big part of creating a new inner landscape.

I am a big proponent of the saying, you are the author of your life. Authoring your life moment-to-moment can be the in-betweeny part that hurts like hell. It feels so odd, so new, and yet so darned uncomfortable. There are no way markers in this new landscape to know if you are on the right path, or lost. Hey maybe being lost for a bit is good? That’s also food for thought. Here is where great insight and change is felt and experienced. This is the time for me to stick with it, form a new alliance with myself, my new life and prepare for the next step. I can feel the runway is clearing for takeoff!

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