How flipping things can change your attitude

As I was out changing the water for my goose, I was thinking it was Thursday, giddy at the thought that I had one more day to work before the weekend. For years I had a work schedule that allowed me to work from my home two days a week. Recently that schedule changed so I was working different days from home. At first the new schedule tends to slip me up. On the old schedule ear the end of the week, I’d be working at home, and the next day would be Friday. So in my mind, that day late in the week I am working from home is Thursday. I’ve been doing that schedule for years.

When I realized it was not Thursday, it’s only Wednesday, I felt let down. Then in the next second I thought, how silly it is that? I have done this for a few weeks now, mistaking Wednesday for Thursday, the coveted Friday-eve day. Using the tool I call flipping it, I discovered I had experienced not one but two days in the week that felt like the work week was almost over. That doesn’t suck, and it makes me feel so happy to have flipped it in that way. I was able to laugh at myself.

Although this seems like very small potatoes, this sort of thinking is very beneficial to a good outlook on life. Thinking like this makes me a happy person, laughing at myself. It makes me feel like I have a hold of my life in a very positive light. It makes me feel like a positive person at heart. The best benefit is that flipping it in this small way leads to flipping almost everything else. Now THAT is a happy life! It can lead to larger flips and larger happy realizations. Things start to flip automatically in your mind and you feel like you are really on a high wave. You don’t have to think about flipping something because your mind will be so used to it, it will happen automatically. You start looking for the silver lining in everything. It opens your mind to better things.

Next time you feel frustrated by even the tiniest thing, try and flip it in any way possible. After all, its your mind that you are flipping, not the situation. And as we all know, the only thing we really ever have control of is how we react to a situation. Happy Flipping!

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

The Crying Man

One day on my lunch hour I went to a large hardware/lumber store. I was in the garden section looking for a pot for a plant. Along comes a tall white haired but hearty looking man. His curly hair and build made him look younger than I suspect he was. He towered over me, a profusion of white chest hair spilling out of his shirt. As he approached me his lovely Aussie accent came tumbling out of his mouth, “Hey you look like you might know something about plants. I got a question for ya.” In fact, I do not take after my mother, The Tomato Queen, who can grow anything. I have ten brown thumbs. I said “Well I am not sure about that but I’ll see what I can do. What do you need?” He proceeded to tell me… “I need something drought tolerant. I am making a memorial….. of sorts…. for….” At that point he burst out crying on the spot! Large loud crying, wracking shoulders, bent over his large garden cart. He continued walking this cart forward all the while crying and bent at the waist. I think he did not know where to go or what to do.

I stood there for a long while so as not to abandon this man in his pain. I wanted to take action in some way to help. In a moment like this you can send love so I did that for a few minutes. Eventually he made his way to the checkout with bags of soil, a container, but not plants. After giving him some space I gently went up to him and told him colorful mums might be a good choice. He apologized for crying, still sniffling and dabbing at his eyes. Apparently he lost someone two weeks ago and the pain was still fresh. Oh my heart went out to him.

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For a long time now, I’ve been experiencing a great deal of cleansing and purging in the form of physical problems. I am out of my element, a fish out of water. This does not make the Capricorn mind sit easy. We need to know what’s going on so we can figure the best way forward. It is hard to simply surrender to what is. For most of my life I have enjoyed excellent health, and suddenly all sorts of things were upsetting my applecart. Problems with the body is a good indicator that Spirit is trying to get through to you. I’m a very firm believer that the body presents you with physical challenges because there is something non-physical that needs addressing. However I also tend to over think things—I am my own worse enemy. I observe, analyze, research, take action, modify, rinse and repeat. To be too action oriented and not go deeply inside enough can block spiritual progress.

I want desperately to break out of this tailspin. I am tired of not having fun. Tired of being tired, of going to the doctor, tired of being sick. My doctor moved across the country in the middle of a months-long diagnosis, but forgot to tell me she was leaving. I was furious about that for a time. That old feeling of being invisible and abandoned, presented at the same time. I thought those old ghosts were long gone. So why was I being shown this man so…in my face? 

Now is the time for me to sink into my heart, forget the outer, trust, and have complete and utter surrender to outer circumstances. I get to the verge of tears and the feeling goes away and I miss my chance to let go. I want that purge. I want to have a watershed moment where I cry and let it all out. But life ebbs and flows, and today I feel better than yesterday. Dang! I was so close a few days ago. I know that sounds counter intuitive, you should feel good that life is better today than yesterday. But I want to be able to move on to the next level. (There’s that action-oriented mindset screwing me up again. Getting in the way of the purge.)

The takeaway for me is, what a beautiful example the Universe has given me in the form of the Crying Man. Someone larger than life, just giving in and letting go, in public in front of strangers, no holds barred. Now, to surrender and find my true north, through the eyes of the Crying Man. I know it is easier said than done, and you cannot force such things to occur. I give thanks to the Universe for showing me one beautiful example of letting go. Life is about ebbing and flowing, ups and downs. Every time there is an ebb or low spot, I feel closer and closer to a breakthrough. It’s just not here yet. As life ebbs and flows, so it goes. Maybe next time.

Comments and dialogue are highly encouraged and welcome. “Likes” tell me someone is out there listening. 

Losing a horse helped heal my heart

My horse Silver left the morning after a blood red moon this past January. I had to make the difficult decision to have him put down after two days of pain, confusion, and chaos. His leaving had me totally spent physically and emotionally. I was gutted. My goofy, silly, drama queen horse and loving friend was gone. He was 22 years old and I only had him for four and a half years. I expected him to live to see 30 and be a gentle old bag of bones wandering around my property keeping me company in my upcoming retirement. My soul dog Google died in March 2017 and my first horse, Scar, died three months after that. Only seven months had gone by. This was heavy. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

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Horse people will tell you that they cannot imagine a day will come when they lose a horse, much less don’t have any horses. It does not seem conceivable. It is a way of life that gets into every pore. My horse dream was not realized until I was in my mid 50s. This was so rich and beautiful a life! I recall every morning before the sun was up I would walk out of my home in the darkness with the yard light on. My two large horses would be standing at the bottom of the steps waiting for me. I’d throw my coat on and walk down the four steps and reach out my arms and run each hand along the side of my horses tracing a line all the way to their rumps. I would think, and sometimes say out loud, “I am such a lucky lucky girl!” I could not believe my luck and my life, with these two huge galoots as partners in crime. Scar, the 1400 lb. overly muscled quarter horse who I referred to as an old war horse, and Silver the 900 lb. skinny but fast off-the-track thoroughbred. They had spent much time together before they came to me. Scar always protecting Silver. They were without a doubt brothers from another mother. Horses are the best of companions! I can tell you, it’s not about the riding, it’s about the companionship and the horse soul you get to share.

A week after Silver died, I was still in shock. Walking to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee I heard myself say out loud, to no one, “I feel like I was slammed to the ground again. Unexpected loss can hit hard. I started writing this post in January and needed until October until I could even look at it again. In fact I quit blogging altogether. The feeling of abandonment over losing him is there, but muted with some distance now. Time is your ally when it comes to loss. When I think of him I still feel a stab of pain. I wish I didn’t feel so vulnerable. So hurt. There are friends of mine that have lost people, and all I lost was a horse. Who am I to grieve so much? So deeply? Why am I so hurt at being left here, feeling abandoned? That is sometimes how the mind thinks, trying to minimize the loss of a pet. No, not a pet, a companion, a kindred soul. Matters not if it be clothed in fur or skin.

This reminds me of a chant to honor the animal kingdom. Citing: Sable Taylor in her interview in Ellen Evert Hopman’s “Being A Pagan”. You can listen to a lovely rendition of it here. 

Fur and feather and scale and skin,
Different without but the same within,
Many of body but one of soul,
Through all creatures are the gods made whole.

When I lost my dog Soul Dog Google, I knew he was leaving for many months. Over time his aged body would freeze up with arthritis. He wore neoprene hock braces and took pain meds. He would not eat unless I cooked him something soft and hand fed it to him. He gingerly took the offering and politely nibbled it. Then that look of “Gosh I sure do appreciate the home cooking darlin’ but I just can’t do it no more.” Since his decline was natural and slow, there was time to plan his last days. I would snuggle with him in his den outside, a 10×10 enclosure filled with straw under my porch. On his last day many friends came over to say their goodbyes. I had him from almost day one, to the last day—his entire life! Losing him was a natural part of his life, and our time together. Everything about it felt good.

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My heart and body have been bombarded with physical challenges, losses and change for many months. It is a time of great personal change. Constant pressure is part of making stiff leather into something soft and pliable. Another example is a caterpillar in its cocoon magically transforming from a worm to a beautiful winged creature, resembling nothing of its former self. Humans and science still marvel at these transformations shrouded in mystery and magic. We don’t know what is going on inside that cocoon. This time of personal change is a time of transformation and opening for me.

Through Silver, I learned that I’ve had a closed off heart to protect myself, and I didn’t even know it. Now I understand I no longer need to protect my heart. But you can’t open your heart by wishing—it is a process. Silver knew exactly what he was doing by leaving how and when he did. He timed his exit just right to be part of helping open my heart and my transformation. You can still see the hoof print and cracks on my heart from his dramatic exit. That reminds me of Leonard Cohen’s lyrics,  “… There is a crack, a crack, in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”  

There is much more in this that I would love to explore. Many more paths of healing have opened for me and this excites me greatly! Imagine a lotus with a thousand petals. There is magic yet to come! Silver was a gift I treasure on my path to living much more openly. What a great message and parting gift from my friend Silver. What a lesson! Long may you run!

The End of Black & White Thinking

Well, I hope it is the end of black and white thinking! I had a great experience that will forever remind me to think outside of the Capricorn stick-in-the-mud black and white thinking mindset. Don’t get me wrong, us Capricorns are great for getting things done. We have great organizational and fiduciary skills, plus are very grounding for a lot of folks. We strive to accomplish, by simply and quietly putting one hoof, er foot, in front of the other, while keeping the end goal in sight. Ah but we can be stubborn creatures as well. Yes that word stubborn. That “thing” I have been working on as of late. Case in point follows.

I understand the Universe brings many things we don’t like or expect, and usually I can weather the storm. My Achilles heel is when things that are out of my control, regarding my home, crop up. I have put a lot of back breaking work into it, and let’s say it really gets my goat when there is a new problem I have no way of fixing myself. I have spent years updating an old living quarters into what looks fairly new and downright cozy. I owe no one a mortgage and my land is paid for. True to Capricorn style!

Electrical problems in particular are super frustrating and can be expensive. I love to get out my tools and fix things, but I’m not an electrician or plumber. Pluming is safer and in many cases easier to fix, almost fun. Not so with electricity, which can kill you or burn down your house. I have recently spent $1700 to replace outlets in three rooms and fix a few other minor wiring problems. This did not include new switches or any new fixtures. Since the wiring was old, and in one room tongue-and-groove paneling made the job harder, it took longer. I paid the going rate for a wonderful, honest, and hard working local electrician. Since he came out on the weekend and did not charge extra I will use him again. He was very educational, telling me everything he was doing and why. Plus he and his wife are local, each from a different reservation near my home. I like to support local people. But after the $1700 bill right near Christmas, a propane fill, and paying property taxes, I’d had enough of spending money on stuff I really couldn’t see.

Last weekend I was going to get some baking done. I went to turn on the kitchen light and it was dead. Here’s my thinking and actions: “Okay change the bulb. There. Oh, no light? What? Shit. Ugh.” Earlier that year I had one switch and outlet in the living room that the electrician could not get to go live. It was one me and my partner in crime, Bud installed long ago. We know it was working when I moved in. I assumed it was something-with-teeth in the ceiling chewing on wires for the casings. “Dang. Really do I have to hire the electrician AGAIN? He’s been out twice. That sucks!” I also felt a fury of rage inside me. Well it wasn’t rage exactly, but I was rootin’ tootin’ frustrated and mad. When I face something out of my control that I can’t fix, I jump to conclusions that it will cost an arm and a leg to repair. Grrrr and harrumph!

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My partner in crime was using my car to go to town to get parts to fix his truck. When he returned the car I told him about the problem. He said he’d look at it when he got a minute free. Thank God for good people! He came by and we took a look at it. He first suggested it could be the fixture. The fixture? (Well slap me on the forehead and call me silly.) Could it be that simple? The fixture was relatively new, only four years old, but I guess that’s the first thing to troubleshoot other than check to see the bulb is working and the breaker is on. Why didn’t I think of that? We looked at it, checked the wiring with my voltage tester, and it was not getting any power. Dang. We fiddled with the wires to reconnect them to make sure they were on correctly. Still nothing. Dang!

After the “Is it the fixture” comment, I realized how silly I was to not have thought of any of the things it could be in between ‘is the bulb burnt out’ to ‘hire an electrician’. My mind had immediately jumped to my greatest fear, spending more big cash on what was out of my control. I decided to change my thinking to manifest something more positive. This is not the first time I’ve been caught off guard by my own silly thinking. I didn’t think in those gray areas that life is made out of. When will I learn this? How many times would I have to go through this? Silly me. As we fiddled with the fixture and the wiring and testing the bulbs, Bud had another idea. He said, “Hey what about the wall switch for this light?” Brilliant idea! So we replaced it with a spare switch I had out in my garage. As we were about to test the light to see if that was it, we knew if that didn’t work, I would have to call the electrician back to my home. I changed my vibe to one of gratitude and positivity, and voila, the light went on with the flip of the new wall switch.

Boy did I feel silly. Have I mentioned that word yet? Yep. I have, because I was so, so silly. Now I have the visual, a light switch, and a positive memory of me changing my thinking. It was a memorable reminder of not having my head, or my vibe, or my trust in the right place, and the idea of how easily it was all fixed. Can you say Yay? I know you can. 🙂

The happy end to the story other than a changed noggin, and a fixed light, was the making of a large loaf of banana bread. It was naturally freely shared with my partner (who said it was the best he’d ever had), in thanks for helping me see the light. (Enough puns?) ❤

Slammed to the ground

Earlier this summer (2017) I was on my tall thoroughbred horse, Silver, and all was going well. It was an ideal day, warm and lazy. Everyone was very relaxed. We stopped so I could move a small canteen of water from my partner’s horse to my horses’ saddlebags. Apparently he did not like the new item in there, the sloshing noise, the clinking of the ice cubes in it, or the shifting of weight on his hind end. After 2 steps he started bucking hard. As in rodeo hard. I managed to stay on for almost 3 of those bucks, and since I was not expecting it, was unable to hang on and slow him down. Once my rear was out of the saddle, it never touched it again. Without being IN the saddle, yanking on reins that are flying all over is useless. I was going to have to launch hoping my head would avoid the many rocks around me.

Slamming to the earth on hard packed ground took a great deal out of me. I literally could not breathe for what should have been the beat of three and a half breaths. My diaphragm stopped working until it could recover from the shock. Since I could not breathe even though I was trying, I thought I was a gonner. It felt like my lungs were full of cement. I was hoping my transition would be fast, let’s get this over with. I was curious about the transition anyway. Oddly I had no regrets or other thoughts other than, let’s get this over with. After the third non-breath I was able to inhale a tiny bit of air. And then more, and more, until I could sort of breathe. Okay I guess I won’t be making my transition today.

My partner took the horses back the mile and a quarter to the truck and trailer, and drove through a dry riverbed to pick me up. My dogs made me proud that they stuck by me and guarded me even though my pup whimpered and felt conflicted that his brother dog, the horses and the other human left us behind. He trusted that he needed to stay near me. He laid down and did not leave my side, and same with my other dog. ❤

The impact was so hard I could not stand up for a full 45 minutes. I managed to get on all fours to breath and then I lay crumpled on the ground. As I gasped for air, I saw the imprint of my leg on the road. Visible on the hard packed earth was every single stitch of the side seam of my jeans. My partner helped me up into the truck, and laid the seat back. I was in such pain. It took two days until I felt well enough to stand an hour long car ride to town to go to urgent care. Since I knew nothing major was broken I did not call 911. X-rays showed a cracked pelvis and 3 cracked ribs. Ouch-ola.

There were many unwanted changes due to my immobility and pain levels. It’s a bit frustrating that my summer plans were all cut short in an instant. It’s like The Tower card from a tarot deck, which indicates large, sweeping changes. Tough but necessary for a clean slate. I wanted to get out more and go to events around town this summer, finally. I wanted to exercise myself and dogs more every day and had a good start on it, finally. I wanted to do tarot readings in public at a local restaurant and had worked up the courage to do it, finally. I would not be able to ride any horse for months. All my plans, ideas and inspirations for summer were gone in an instant.

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I found it humbling to have someone help me to the bathroom, help me into or out of bed, in a home that was not mine, with a man I had no intimate relationship with. My friend slept on his rock hard sofa for two days until I was well enough to go to town to get x-rays. I had to depend on someone else and my usually fierce independence had to melt away into total appreciation and acceptance. Luckily I was able to work from home and keep my job.

Finding a nice cocoon of time around me I now had acres of time for other things that were not physically taxing. I finally felt more balanced, more real. Why did it take being thrown as if a giant picked me up and slammed me to the ground to get into this more balanced zone? To a place where I was truly doing nothing and totally okay with it? I have been known to have a very thick head [read stubborn] and I had to let go of a lot of my concrete plans. I call that the proverbial Universal 2×4 across the head because I must have ignored the dozens of other signs from Spirit that said slow down and pay attention.

A few weeks into my convalescence I got an email from someone I have followed for years who does animal communication. I knew her work, and of her authenticity. She was offering classes and somehow that inner bell rang for me that this was to be followed up on. About 8 years prior I had taken classes from a local person learning to do intuitive readings. Intuitive information and readings was something that came naturally and easily to me. This new class I could do from the comfort of my own home and had been meaning to take it for years, and included animals. Woo hoo! Most importantly, I felt had time to do this. There seemed to be a wide swath of time ahead of me with nothing on the docket. This felt perfect, as if my entire life full of love for animals was coming into sharper focus. Thanks to my large white animal for creating a time for me to work on this. Talk about animal communication!

There were other gems that came out of this about face that are still coming to light. The accident was in early August, and it took me until December to even write about it. I knew there was a bigger picture I was not seeing at the time. There have been many realizations, appreciations, changes to my life since the accident. All of them good. Sometimes gifts come in the strangest of packages! But don’t be so stubborn that you have to be thrown to the ground to wake up! 😉 ❤

 

Those uncomfortable feelings that come with change

Being in a new landscape between point A and point B is very disconcerting. It’s downright annoying, uncomfortable, and I wish it would go away. Sort of. Lately I have been changing the landscape of my life. Getting out of the habit of visiting with my riding partner every day for coffee, dropping off groceries, horse medicine or tack, or what have you. They have all been excuses for me to have someone to talk to before or after my work day. An excuse to ‘play house’ when that’s not what is good for my future or his. This is not my new family. I’m pretending and I’m hiding. For awhile it has meant someone to bond with. Someone to talk to. But this is not a good choice for me going forward.

My riding parter and I have a totally platonic relationship. He’s a good friend, but that is where it ends. I do not wish anything more with him. To say I have been hiding inside that relationship as an excuse to not take chances with my heart would be stunningly accurate. It has been a nice place to rest, on a plateau, for awhile, to let my soul stretch out a bit. For the record, single life has meant a lot of enjoyment for me to do exactly as I please, when I please. After having lived with a controlling abuser for 18 years, it’s been a lovely ride being on my own! I have created an almost perfect life for myself. Almost.

I have known for a long time now that things need to change. I have still not made the change totally but I’m almost there. Otherwise how will I ever move on to the next phase of my life? When will I have time or opportunity to meet my new life partner? Don’t I have a dream of meeting that perfect man who has a great sense of humor, loves horses and animals, and has his own property? How will that happen if I am not getting myself out there or always at someone else’s home hanging out? Where is the partner I can wake up next to that has fun over a cup of early morning coffee as we both try and squeeze open our eyes to the supposed real world. Where is that guy I go on long rides with and can spend my remaining years with as a lover and friend? I know he’s out there.

The first part of going from point A to point B was drastically reducing my visits to my platonic partner. He has done nothing wrong at all. In order to change, I needed to refocus. Making the change was hard and yet in some ways it was easy. It meant a lot more time alone at my somewhat isolated home in the sticks. I made the change a few weeks ago with the plausible excuse that I needed more time to prepare for my job, more time to cut stress out of my life by meditating each morning, more time to prepare for my day. I had a stressful week the week before and it showed on all levels. This was mostly true so it felt like a natural way to break things off, with the exception of the one weekend ride we do together. Okay, that’s done and no one got their feelings hurt. What’s next?

This change would mean a talkative person who likes to converse, being alone much of the time and it was not something I was looking forward to. How would I handle it? I knew that I needed to face my fears before moving forward. This happens one moment at a time. To give you an idea of my mindset, it is important to know that in the past five months I have lost my soul dog, my first and most loved horse, Scar (which about tore my heart out) and two geese, one of which was with me for over 13 years. My little farm family was greatly reduced. Today I am hurting and still numb. Spending more time with myself at the core, at the center of things, energetically was a scary prospect because of my recent losses. What would I find when I went within? How would I handle it?

Once I spent some time alone and slowed down, something really good came up out of the numbness. I had this picture of my much smaller animal family and myself, all our hearts in unison, in a smaller orbit. It felt like a smaller but higher quality life we were all building together. Good juju. New. An unknown and unexperienced landscape.

The next month is being spent being alone and sometimes, doing nothing which is actually almost impossible for me. I crave accomplishing things at my property and home because it needs work, and my ego loves seeing progress. Doing nothing is much harder said than done but will get my human doing mind to be a human being mind again. I need to get back to ground zero, a new ground zero. In a way it is like getting to know myself better, as opposed to filling the time with activities that avoid the inevitable meeting myself at my brand new level of existence. This is a big part of creating a new inner landscape.

I am a big proponent of the saying, you are the author of your life. Authoring your life moment-to-moment can be the in-betweeny part that hurts like hell. It feels so odd, so new, and yet so darned uncomfortable. There are no way markers in this new landscape to know if you are on the right path, or lost. Hey maybe being lost for a bit is good? That’s also food for thought. Here is where great insight and change is felt and experienced. This is the time for me to stick with it, form a new alliance with myself, my new life and prepare for the next step. I can feel the runway is clearing for takeoff!

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