That awful sticky place of dread

Recently I was in a terribly wobbly place taking care of someone close to me. This friend had recently had serious back surgery. I knew he would depend on me solely. In our tiny community we depend on each other, especially as we age. Most everyone else my friend knows is retired, and I work full time. I would do what I could, but I felt that sticky and uncomfortable place of having someone else depend on me totally when I knew it would take a supreme effort for me to do everything necessary. I knew there were others that were totally willing to help, that kept volunteering. My friend kept refusing them, saying “Patty will do it all.”

It’s a terrible thing to say, or even think, you do not want to help someone for several reasons. One is society expects us all to be cheerful, concerned caregivers. Two, because I am an overly nurturing person by nature, why would this make me cringe? It was the overwhelming idea of the whole kit-and-caboodle that had me scared. There was something about this looming responsibility that had me quaking like a leaf. It makes me feel like a bad person for even having those feelings. I usually love to be wanted and needed, filling the role of nurturer.

This is what was going on with me that might help explain this feeling. The surgery came at a time when I had been trying to lessen my dependence on this person for my sake and his. My own dependence on him for filling my social needs has never been met and I needed to broaden my social scope. It’s not his fault whatsoever. He’s a good egg. He is in fact a dear friend. I am having a strong yearning for conversation and company and it won’t go away. The time for change is long overdue and I had been putting off the inevitable for over a year now. I must expand my horizons! The looming post-surgery tasks seemed to be holding me back just at a time when I want to burst out! Feelings of frustration, guilt, but also care, were building and mixing.

With some insistence I was able to get him to call on other neighbors who were happy to share the burden with me. I was happy to do my part and stock his fridge and freezer with groceries that were easy to fix and eat. I was thrilled to look after his sweet dog for a few days. In the days immediately following his surgery I felt better. I tried making coffee for him, which I totally flubbed two days in a row, with coffee all over the counter! I checked in on him in the early mornings to see his pain level, got him to start moving a bit. Urged him to walk more, as advised by the doctor. I changed his bandages, etc.

I believe Spirit turns up the pressure when there is a lesson looming.

When we want to diet, everything conspires to tempt you. Gooey brownies and donuts are brought into work. Your neighbor comes over with homemade banana bread. You know the drill. For me it was wanting to get out in the community more and expand my horizons. That’s when the surgery gets scheduled and you know you have to spend more time, not less, doing something you know does not suit you. But Spirit knows best.

My friend and I have been good friends for years. As close as brother and sister. But Spirit had something for us to work through. My friend also has something to learn about depending on others, in spite of insisting he did not need help. I was in that same position about two years ago, and I learned my lesson the hard way. I knew we each had something to learn from this.

In the end things turned out fine and we are both better for the experience. He was able to get the community to help, by simply asking for it. His surgery after-care was not as bad as we thought it would be. He was up and about days after surgery. I did my share of care, and liked being helpful in that way. I also enjoy going over to my friend’s home once a week instead of twice a day. We missed each other a bit more. Things seemed fresher and better. He started asking what I was up to. A stark change from his usual lump-on-a-log non-commitment in any simple conversation. He started taking more responsibility for his life instead of depending on me. I was starting to break away and make myself a priority. Things were changing!

As we know, everything is energy. Change must happen in Spirit/with you manifesting and wanting that change before it can happen in the waking world. He learned that being stubborn and wanting total independence was not always realistic. I learned (and not for the first time) that care of the self comes first. I had always given to him first. Thought of him first. Worried about him way more than about myself. The caregiver must care for him/herself first. Okay, I’m getting that lesson, for the third time!

If there is any time you feel that pressure is on, and you are being made very uncomfortable, there is a lesson or a message in it. Look for it, be humble, and be as open as you can for the change coming your way. Maybe this thing that feels awful is your key to freedom, the key to standing up in your own power and being who you have always wanted to be. On a soul level, my friend was willing to be the one to help me make this happen. I am in deepest gratitude.

Comments are encouraged. Likes tell me someone is listening. ❤ Love and Light, Patty.

Animals as teachers show me the way

This year I took nine month’s worth of intensive classes in Animal Communication from a leader in the field. It exceeded my expectations, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Animals are here to teach and support us in a myriad of ways that go beyond the obvious. They come to teach us, to help us. And they give unconditional love. In every single reading, the communication from the pet is to help and guide the human to overcome something, or to notice something about themselves. It’s never that the pet needs help. Much so the other way around. That was the most surprising thing I learned from the course, through first-hand experience. 

I have noticed lately, since I decided to be much more social and get myself out in the community, my animals are going beyond their own social boundaries as well. It’s a way of saying “See! This is easy. Watch me!” My worry about socializing, especially looking for a compatible partner at my age, is scary. I am determined to get myself out more. I have to, or I will spend the rest of my life alone. Although, that does not sound too bad. Being single has many rewards but I feel a big nudge to change. I don’t want that Cosmic 2×4 on my head again! Nudges are important to follow up on.

I had a good friend stay with me for eight days recently and I learned about harmony. I wanted her to stay for a lot longer because it was so fluid. That time spent together was lovely and natural. If I want this type of lovely fluid relationship, I know I’ll never find someone, nor they me, if I don’t get out of my home more. Lately I have been out to local cafe’s and bakeries, art galleries, shops, and spa’s that are a 23 minute journey north in a cute little mountain town. I’ve been ignoring that town for a while and suddenly it’s coming into focus. This is good progress for me, the monk-like luddite. It helps that my work schedule has me at home more, making me want to get out more.

Lucy my goose friend of 15 years has been on her own since her companions went the way of the coyote last year. A neighbor offered me several of her lovely lady chickens. Five to be exact. Now understand that chickens are not perfect companions for a goose, but they are company. I find Lucy wants to go inside her pen more and more during the day when I’m home. Probably to visit with the girls after her morning bath outside. A week later a new neighbor moved in next door. The next day I let Lucy out only to see her stop in her tracks, stunned. We both stood there with our mouth/beak hanging open, surprised. Next door we could see the outline of four lovely geese! One was an Africa Gray, the same breed as Miss Lucy. I could not have wished for anything better. They saw us and honked greetings. Yahoo for gooses! Now Miss Lucy has company of her own at home and next door. Her world expanded in the space of a few days. 

My friends are making the effort to come out my way and connect with me more. I never dreamt this would happen and it makes my heart sing! On my birthday I will be escorted to a local hot springs by two friends, who’s company I crave, weather permitting. I almost always spend my birthday alone, because it is between Christmas and New Years. Everyone is broke, has eaten too much, doesn’t want to shop for one more gift, and is tired of all the festivities. No one wants to go out to celebrate anything! Anyone else with a birthday around this time of year knows what I’m talking about. Not only am I getting out and about more, but people are coming to me. Things are starting to bubble because of my desire and action through the law of attraction regarding being more social and broadening my scope.  

The beginning step to getting out of one place and into another is changing  your inner vibration. I’ve been somewhat reluctantly getting myself out of the cocooning vibe. That’s a bit hard because it saved my life and it feels comfy in here! But it’s time to make a move. I can feel that nudge to expand. In order for things to manifest, you have to feel and be the vibration of what you are wanting. I am wanting to be more social, to be available. That’s a big leap, but as the saying goes, fake it till you make it.

Cochise sitting at the feet of my friend Faye. Quietly together.

The most ardent excuse I keep making anyone coming to my house is my dog Goat Cheese (Cochise). He has been super protective of me from day one and only lets one other person near him, the man who raised him. When my friend came to visit for eight days I had been afraid he would present a problem. My friend is wise and knew exactly how to treat him. By ignoring him totally, he gentled to her quickly. We had a relatively quiet and peaceful visit with people and dogs. I was absolutely amazed and it taught me a lot about how wrong my expectations were regarding my dogs behavior. I was worried I needed to take him to classes, or a dog whisperer. As my friend left after our vacation, she said to me “It’s the person, not the dog.” 

The biggest lesson my animals gifted me was when I had a contractor come to my home, with his dog in tow. He brought his black lab, Bear, at my request. Bear is a larger dog than my two, by gentle and friendly. I was afraid Goat Cheese would attack Bear. But Goat Cheese’s introduction to Bear was uneventful and even a bit friendly. What? Is this the same dog that won’t let anyone near me? Good lord changes are happening, and fast! Almost immediately Goat Cheese became one of the gang playing with Bear and being a normal dog. Goat Cheese, my other dog Gypsy, and Bear, all three hanging out and socializing. I could not believe my eyes. They all played till they slept! I thought this would never happen, ever. My animals showed me my fears regarding someone else not fitting into my life are unfounded and baseless. They showed me through their actions, a new relationship can blossom into a nice life with a special someone way faster than I expect they might. 

Thinking about the lessons my animals had showed me, I realized I have been worried for no good reason. Or that the acid test— Goat Cheese’s reaction about a new person in my life—would be a huge hurdle. This heartens me to think that it might be easy to have someone come into my life, and me into his, and things might be A-okay. I thought this change of mind and heart for me would take months if not longer. My animals, wise beings that they are, showed me it was possible in an instant! I am always amazed and humbled at what my animals show me and teach me, by their own actions and wisdom. They have shown me my heart is opening and that new connections are possible, and might be a little bit fun too. 

Happy New Year and Merry Christmas everyone!

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

Boundaries, encounters, reflection, and a new path

Do you have friends that once you are off the phone with them, you wonder why they are in your life? Do you wonder why you still hang out with someone who is not good for your energy, your mental health, who doesn’t bring much to the table? Yet they don’t have a mean bone in their body? After all they just want to be friends, and they deserve company too. There is nothing wrong with just wanting to be friends, right? Recently more and more is happening to make me aware of the fact that I need to take some action, one way or the other, instead of settling for the status quo. I resist visits or chats because I think…why oh why am I going to let my vibe go back down to this level? This is not said or thought of in a privileged way at all. It’s more of a state of self protection for the good vibe I’ve worked so hard to achieve.

How do you tell someone to stop looking at their phone (texting or talking) during your time together? How do you tell someone that you’d like it if just once they ask how you are doing? I have a friend who knows I have been through a challenging year, and they never ask how I am feeling, what’s up, what’s going on. If I tell them I had a bad experience, they skip right over what I say without an acknowledgment and keep talking about their life. Or worse they gossip about someone else’s life. (I can’t abide gossip.) That makes me sad, and makes me feel like I am the entertainment committee. Which leads to me feeling selfish for even having that thought.

Now the questions start. I wonder about the many facets of this problem. I am protective of my alone time. I live out in the sticks because nature feeds my soul and it keeps me sane and grounded. But it keeps me away from being social. Always a double-edged sword to live so far out. Does spending a lot of time on my own make me snotty, stubborn, or exclusive? Maybe it is smart that I protect myself as much as possible from the wrong type of encounter. Or that I feed my soul as much as I do with time spent alone, or with quality people. Does it seem I am being exclusive? Rude? Stubborn? Hoity-toity? I have worked so hard for my safety and security.

However being more open (less stubborn) might be called for because I could be losing the openness to be wrong, to stumble on something new, to have an open heart. Balance is key here, and I know stubbornness is my stumbling block. By being ‘safe’ out in the sticks, living my life without much contact am I missing out on another type of companionship, camaraderie, and social connections? Maybe the effort to feel safe is not serving me anymore? These are questions I ask myself. It’s the flip side of the protect thyself coin. In hopes of finding an answer, I ask myself a ton of questions to make sure I’m not being a jerk. I call it a ruthless self-evaluation. This is during a time where I want to be more social and get out more. As irritating as the problem is, I think it is good timing. 

There always seem there is a bit more work to be done to have healthy boundaries. I’ve come a long way. For years I was the world’s doormat but I’m not in that place now. So maybe this is one more whorl of the river. It’s a tricky place. You can’t shut people out of your life unless they are totally toxic. Then it’s a must, but I have found that to be rare. Boundaries should be flexible enough to let the new and unexpected in, while feeling respected and honored by the presence of others. Good boundaries also means respecting others in your life. It means giving them the respect they deserve as well. It’s a two way street. It calls for more minute, fine maneuvering in the river of life. 

Even though some people may be ignorant of their social trespass, the problem remains. Ignorance does not excuse bad behavior. It must be handled somehow. I guess it’s one more level of detail I have been missing in terms of gentle communication. Here comes the lesson on runway two! There must be one more way for me to negotiate the river and find the best way make it clear, in a compassionate way, how I would like to be respected. That’s better than just dumping someone, isn’t it? It’s more humane. More detail in a finite matter. This is good. These tiny gray areas are where we learn about ourselves, and do a kindness to others. That kindness can be information they didn’t know before, that helps them negotiate their way through life. This is growth for both parties. Growth is good. 

An example of gentle and helpful communication was many years ago I was still in a bad marriage. To cope and come out of a depressed state, I was on a popular anti-depressant. Let us say it woke me up a bit and I got rather chatty. Feeling I had a voice. I was elated! I went to a party with a dear and trusted friend. At one point my friend tugged me on the sleeve and whispered in my ear,

“Maybe you are not aware, Pat, but you are interrupting every person here. I know you are excited and have a new found voice, but you have to let others speak. Tone down your excitement and listen a bit.”

Oh my I was stunned to learn what I was doing. I thought I was joining in joking, laughing, and sharing. But I could see his point. Since I was told this in a gentle and loving way, I was able to better manage my enthusiasm and channel it into listening and replying at a more appropriate time. The advice didn’t get my hackles up because my friend used a gentle tone of voice. He was sincere. This is advice I still take with me today. I also learned to ask about the other person a lot more than I talk about myself. People like me that live alone tend to get chatty when we meet other human beings! 😉

Compassionately communicating to those I feel disrespected by, gently telling them what I would like in my life is being true to myself, and helpful to the recipient. Sound and words have power. Speaking words that need to be spoken in your own defense must have great power. I need to speak out loud the words that outline what I need for the basics of feeling respected. I guess now that I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. Not so black and white. Not so terrible to tell someone you need a little respect during a friendly visit. I just need a little courage. Already a new path forward is being forged. All from an irritating thorn in my side and then some good old fashioned investigating and evaluating of the self.

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. ❤ Love and Light, Patty.

The Churning Miasma, and the Cosmic 2×4

In my blog posts, I speak often of the Churning Miasma, and the Cosmic 2×4. What do I mean by these terms? Like my mother, I love to make up my own words and phrases. It’s the best way for me to quickly communicate something intangible in an easy to understand way. I love these terms because by themselves, they carry a visual weight. Can’t you just visualize the Cosmic 2×4 or the Churning Miasma? 

The Churning Miasma

When I face ongoing problems and I feel mired down, if I could see what I was going through, I’d see everything I’m thinking about, worried about, exploring, talking about, investigating, and creating. It would be about three feet above my head in a huge churning gray whirlpool. It’s too much to take in. I can’t focus or see any one thing. It wont’ slow down. It’s a giddy feeling because then I know I am on the cusp of understanding something. I call this The Churning Miasma. It seems the only way to describe this. 

I need to be still and stop searching for logical reasons about what’s going on during this time period. Trying to pull it apart and discover what it’s all about is useless. The churning miasma is not something that can be picked apart and analyzed. Nor can it be slowed down. It must be left alone to do it’s thing. Sitting still now and then would be better. Eventually it all coalesces after days or weeks, and it drops in my head and heart in a nanosecond. Even after that happens, I cannot say exactly what was learned, or *grocked. I know that new material is in me. I can sense it inside me and it feels better! The Churning Miasma is a process of learning, experiencing, and understanding. But it is so uncomfortable while it is happening. Isn’t there always chaos before change? 

*Grocked: Coined by Robert A. Heinlein in his novel Stranger in a Strange Land, 1961, in which the word is described as being from the word for “to drink” and, figuratively, “to drink in all available aspects of reality”, “to become one with the observed” in Heinlein’s fictitious Martian language. 

The Cosmic 2×4

When something is trying to show itself to me but I’m not getting it that’s when the Cosmic 2×4 comes in. Have you ever heard the saying that when the Universe/Spirit is trying to get your attention first it’s a tap on the shoulder. Then a bit harder if you don’t notice, then bonk on the head or the brick wall to finally get your attention. That’s what I’m talking about. That happens to me a lot. Apparently I need three, four, or five instances to get it through my thick skull whatever is being shown to me.

I always feel like such a dolt for having been so unable to see or understand the new something was coming my way. Some new way of seeing. Some new way of letting go of the old and trying the new. Some new path opens up to me. I love having the new vision or insight and am always in gratitude. But yep, I kinda feel silly when my eyes open after the fact, that I was so stubborn I could not see it. It’s then I look back and can so easily see the ‘taps’ or hints I was getting previous to the Cosmic 2×4. How did I not see it or get it? Huh. Funny. 

You can go over my past blog entries and look for the words Cosmic 2×4 and find what I’m talking about. I always think next time I won’t be so stubborn, so unable to see the lesson. But still I am presented with that Cosmic 2×4 every now and again. It makes one humble! Lately I am able to see when the Cosmic 2×4 might be hovering around. So that is something new. Like I might be on the cusp of understanding and I’ll say, “Well I don’t want that Cosmic 2×4 coming around so I better pay attention here!” Like that. I am becoming bit more open to seeing, and a bit less stubborn. 

Do you use any self-made jargon? If you have any instances of your own churning miasma, or cosmic 2×4, I’d love to hear it. Or anything you’ve made up yourself to help describe your life’s journey. 

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

Making your ‘bad quality’ work for you

A friend had the observation that being stubborn has upsides. True that. I figured every bad quality must have an upside. Doesn’t everything have a good and bad, undesirable quality to it? So, let’s take the human condition and flip some things.

I can be very stubborn, and I know it is not a desirable quality. But there are instances where being stubborn fits the bill perfectly. Working on a job until it is done, that’s a good part of being stubborn. I call it stick-to-itiveness. A great example for me was my friend who was working on the plumbing under my house. He did not give up. He is a very patient and quiet man. To hear him swearing and getting mad is so rare I knew the plumbing was confounding him. He kept at it all day until the problem was fixed and made better than the original plumbing. Had he given up I’d have been forced to call a plumber, which in the sticks, is rare as hen’s teeth. No one wants to drive all the way from town to get here. I’d have been stuck for a long time. Thanks to his stubborn nature, I had running water!

The flip side of my empathic abilities of feeling everything are the physical feelings I get as I write. Feeling everything can be a good thing, not something to dread or hide.

This also brings to mind the need to temper our negative quality when needed. Let’s take the hand we were dealt and make it work for us, instead of against us. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it is a worthwhile project, no? Having an undesirable quality can now be seen as positive.

A warning that we should not celebrate our ‘undesirable’ traits by saying “Yay! I’m stubborn and I can treat people any way I wish!” Nope. That’s not what I am getting at. It means perhaps channeling those qualities into a positive outcome. Again the line of “using your powers for good, not evil” comes to mind.

What are some qualities that may be turned around and seen as good? What quality do you have that you might view as negative, that you can flip? What can you work on that might make you thankful for having that otherwise bad trait? This could be a really fun and enriching exercise if you take it to heart.

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

Surrender Dorothy, and all that implies

Recently I was chatting with a friend. We both felt that we were each experiencing lives of confusion and both of us felt a bit out of control. Our discussion lead us to deduce each of us would best be served by letting go and embracing it all. A phrase ‘stop pushing the river’ comes to mind. It’s not a place you can go to with your thinking brain. You must let go. That takes trust. I feel I have a big ‘something’ coming up. I know I must let go and sink into it to come back to the surface. As I was talking to my friend the phrase “Surrender Dorothy” came to mind from the movie, The Wizard of Oz. It is a perfect reminder to let go when worry starts in. Accomplishing this would have to be at a non-verbal place inside me. It’s hard to explain or wrap my head around, because words don’t seem to adequately express this idea, and that’s okay.

Surrender Dorothy could be my watch phrase for recent hurdles I am facing. Detach from caring about the outcome and surrendering to my true north. Yup. I know I have to do it. But can I? I’m not the kind of person who can easily take my hands off the steering wheel. But I must. This is not something you can intellectualize. You cannot plan for this to happen, or force it. You cannot say…

“I will detach and be in free fall so that I can experience this uncomfortable thing, so that I can have a breakthrough, an epiphany.”

It does not happen that way. For me it is not second nature to let go and surrender to what is happening. Especially when experiencing chaos, illness, or physical and emotional pain. Instead we want to protect ourselves and always be in a happy moving-forward place. Growth takes place in uncomfortable spots. Going outside your comfort zone makes you stronger. Surrendering to what is may be the best thing to do. But I am not sure how to let go enough for that to happen.

Every time I come up against another hurdle, even a small one, I am starting to change how I approach life. Instead of saying “How can I fix this? What is the best path forward? Quickly get a fix in place!” I remind myself to accept what is happening and sink back to that feeling, whatever it is. Let it roll over me. Let it come. Surrender Dorothy. I want to face what is going on, and surrender to the need to be in control and fix things. My experience with Buddhism may come in handy, as the mindset of ‘having tea with your demons’ is a practice put forward by Pema Chödrön. I understand the idea. I love the idea! And I can do that for small fears that come visiting. It’s kind of like saying ‘everything is as it should be’ and ‘this too shall pass”. But the big stuff. The stuff that keeps hanging on and on. The hard stuff. That’s different. It seems like a wall I cannot scale. I must stop asking why, and how, and instead sink down into the comfort that I am finally where I should be, so I can become one with it, and like the peacock, turn poison into medicine, pushing beyond my fears.

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

The New Normal is where it’s at

When life presents you changes, stop trying to go back to normal. If you are trying to get back to the old normal that may not be possible. With all my challenges, I have found a way to get through with some sanity. Ditch the old normal. Find the new normal, the new habit, path, the new way. There is much less resistance there. Stop trying to push the river, instead go with the flow. And be in gratitude!

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

How flipping things can change your attitude

As I was out changing the water for my goose, I was thinking it was Thursday, giddy at the thought that I had one more day to work before the weekend. For years I had a work schedule that allowed me to work from my home two days a week. Recently that schedule changed so I was working different days from home. At first the new schedule tends to slip me up. On the old schedule ear the end of the week, I’d be working at home, and the next day would be Friday. So in my mind, that day late in the week I am working from home is Thursday. I’ve been doing that schedule for years.

When I realized it was not Thursday, it’s only Wednesday, I felt let down. Then in the next second I thought, how silly it is that? I have done this for a few weeks now, mistaking Wednesday for Thursday, the coveted Friday-eve day. Using the tool I call flipping it, I discovered I had experienced not one but two days in the week that felt like the work week was almost over. That doesn’t suck, and it makes me feel so happy to have flipped it in that way. I was able to laugh at myself.

Although this seems like very small potatoes, this sort of thinking is very beneficial to a good outlook on life. Thinking like this makes me a happy person, laughing at myself. It makes me feel like I have a hold of my life in a very positive light. It makes me feel like a positive person at heart. The best benefit is that flipping it in this small way leads to flipping almost everything else. Now THAT is a happy life! It can lead to larger flips and larger happy realizations. Things start to flip automatically in your mind and you feel like you are really on a high wave. You don’t have to think about flipping something because your mind will be so used to it, it will happen automatically. You start looking for the silver lining in everything. It opens your mind to better things.

Next time you feel frustrated by even the tiniest thing, try and flip it in any way possible. After all, its your mind that you are flipping, not the situation. And as we all know, the only thing we really ever have control of is how we react to a situation. Happy Flipping!

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

The need to know why is *not* always a good thing

If you have been following my blog, you know I have been experiencing a lot of odd medical, physical upsets for months. Every morning I have to remind myself to make myself happy and get my mood up. Getting back to normal seems impossible some days.

One of the reasons I feel so low is, I have this burning need to know why everything happens. Why is my body rebelling so much lately? I’ve lived a life almost sixty years with no problems. Lately I have been bombarded with illnesses or conditions that come and go. Did I mention how much I dislike people that complain about health issues? The shoe is on the other foot now and let me tell you, it is humbling. At least I have gained a compassionate view of the flip side of health. I have softened to it.

Much of life can be a puzzle and I love puzzles. So my mind searches for the why of it all. It gives me something to chew on. Is all the upheaval directly due to this crazy life in 3D? Is it karmic and I must pay my dues? Is there another purpose in my life to wake me up to…? Is there part of my old life I need to completely disconnect from? I often feel empathically what is going on in the world. The night of the midterm elections my body was rebelling big time. The physical feelings are disconcerting and uncomfortable, and I cannot get away from it or turn it off.

At work part of my job to be a troubleshooter. To be a person to find out how a process happens, and write out all the steps very clearly so others can learn. This is part of the warp and weft that makes up my persona. I like to be the person that shows others the right path by researching a process, questioning, tinkering. I am responsible for finding the right way to do something, to empower them to flourish. It’s part of my very nature to explore, question, and lead by example. If we were in the jungle, I’d be the person in front, hacking a way forward, leading. Part of this aspect of me must be shut down in order to be guided by this new thing emerging in me. That won’t be easy for me to do. It will be very uncomfortable and I navigate totally new waters without being able to rely on my ‘old’ and comfortable tools/senses/way of operating. This change must come. My old self must die and the new self must come into being. Like a child who does not want to outgrow his favorite pair of boots, that day will come. But won’t the new serve better?

It occurred to me that if I stopped asking why, my angst would go away. I’d be at a new normal, and life would continue in a happier vein. How can I accomplish this? What’s the lesson, the reason, the big picture? Okay, drop that line of thinking and I bet I would be so much more at peace. But how to do that? It won’t happen with a how-to check list. Scratch that. It might be more along the lines of more meditation during the day and in the evening. Slowing down even more. More dropping out of needing to know. Dropping out of rational thought, of needing control. Dropping down into that fuzzy, warm place where there is no need to know what’s coming next, or why things are the way they are. Trust. It’s a big word.

This winter I will hunker down, be closer to Gaia (Mother earth), trust the divine feminine, and let healing occur naturally. For me this will be a paradigm shift. A huge one. But possibly part of the metamorphosis of what I am becoming. I can feel a huge shift coming inside me and I want it to come. I must trust that I cannot see the way forward. Time to roll with motion of the waves and as a good friend says ‘feel your way through the unknown.’

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening.❤ Love and Light, Patty.

Moving toward the tipping point, by writing

I have been feeling for some time that I am almost at the tipping point of purging my soul and body of the after effects of an abusive 18 yearlong relationship. I have been out of that relationship for ten years now, and in my mind, I think there is nothing to purge. I’m over it, right? I have a brand-new life I created myself, right? I’m the captain of my own ship co-creating like crazy, right? Everything is peachy keen, right?  But the body is not the mind. It holds onto things for a very long time. To me, that is what PTSD is. Abuse or terror held in the body to protect the whole.

A great purge is coming and I am glad of it. It is so close I can feel every cell in my body quivering in anticipating of dumping what needs to go, and breathing a huge gulp of new, fresh air! But you can’t plan such things now, can you? My Capricorn mind wants to schedule it in along with everything else. Grocery shopping, trip to the hardware store, purge of a lifetime, then a nice massage. Nope, it does not work like that. Spirit does not move in a linear fashion or according to a day planner. Sigh.

IMG-3702In order to help move toward this tipping point, I have promised myself a new writing habit. This is a luxury I owe myself. It’s a tool I should have not ignored for many months. Don’t be scared by the word habit, it’s a good thing. Habits are easy to start and hard to break. That’s good news if you want to start a new habit. If you want to break a habit, put another new habit in place of the old one, right on top of it. It will take some time, but it will happen. Like moving to a new office in the same building. My feet want to travel to the old office every time I walk into the building. But every day I get closer and closer to wiping out the old maps of my neural network of walking to that old office, as I correct my course to the new one.

I have decided to write in the morning because that is when I feel most myself. It is the time I love the most with morning light being so different than any other time of day. My energy is at its peak, and the promise of a new day is at hand. It is the NOW time and I have a few hours before I must honor my obligations of going to my day job. The birds are just waking up, and since I feed them, they are plentiful in my back yard. I see sparrows, little yellow warblers, Towhee’s, large mountain blue jays, and a huge family of Gambles’ quail with the little quivering top knots all dancing, making those funny squeaking noises as they bounce along. My dogs sit at my feet on the back deck as I sip coffee and we watch the birds have their breakfast as the sun rises.

I have not written for many months. Although I don’t consider myself a writer by trade, I am disappointed in myself for missing out on writing about my experiences. Sometimes just the act of writing helps process events. I have had many experiences and insights about life that were good and showed growth and possibly a new way around things. I should have written about those important life changes. But writing to the general public in a transparent way doesn’t always seem to fit the bill when you feel vulnerable. It’s too hard. The flip side is, I regret not getting things down on paper because insights that come from difficult experiences can get lost in the shuffle quickly. I wanted to hold onto those insights a little while longer. I wanted to explore them and share them. I admonish myself for not writing about them, because it could have helped someone else.

You get the lesson or the insight, and instantly you feel jazzed that you got it, and at the same time relieved that life can go on as normal. Getting that normalcy back into your life always feels like another sort of elation. Humans rely so heavily on habit to feel secure, and I’m right there along with everyone else. After the difficulty you were facing ends and the smoke clears—the moment it is all freshest in your mind—you don’t want to sit and write about it because it might break the spell. It’s too close to your heart. You feel like holding your cards close to your chest a little longer because you feel tender. But you feel like you have a great secret and can still feel that lovely glow of having successfully navigated life.

I also think it can wait till later so I make the mistake of not writing about it at the moment. When later comes, the nuances of how those insights came about are lost and it doesn’t seem all that magical a thing to write about or share.  I regret not having written about things when they happen because I cannot get them back. And those things were part of my life’s path. They seemed important at the time. Creating a daily writing habit will help me process what is going on in my life and bring me to another level of understanding about myself and about life. Even if I don’t share what I write, I know it will benefit me. In a way I get to know myself a little bit better.

But writing has one very important quality that is not readily evident. It can change how you think about yourself, in surprisingly good ways! You might realize you had the strength to do something you thought you couldn’t do. You might be able to see the bigger picture. It’s a great way to get to know the nuances of You. When I start writing something and it’s in draft mode, I feel like there is a carbon copy of me saying “I got your back”. Isn’t that worth the effort of creating a new habit?

I may not post every day, or even every week, but you can bet I will be writing every day! I hope this encourages others to write, even if it is a private journal. This is such a good healing and cleansing and even fun thing to be involved in, for yourself, and possibly for sharing with the world. Until next time my friends…