The huge difference between want and desire.

How seldom do we go outside our comfort zone to think about and ask for something we really want in our lives? Rarely is my guess. This is the story of how I decided to make horses part of my life. My horses are gone about a year at the time of this writing, but I had them for almost five years at the end of their lives. It was something I will treasure until I draw my last breath. I hope this story inspires you to do likewise. What have you got to lose by wishing for something you truly desire?

My commute is long, but beautiful. For the most part I have lovely orange mesas and buttes dotted with piñon, cedar, four-wing salt bush, sage, juniper, and rabbitbrush. The mesas look polka dotted with all that brush! The skies open up and the clouds do their dance above, whirling and swirling for our delight. Here in New Mexico, the large expanse of blue sky is the star of the show. This long and relaxing commute makes for much time for thinking. I had two hours each day of this lovely tableau. Time for much thought.

It had taken three years after my divorce to unwind my inner spring and relax to the point where I did not think something bad was about to happen. That process was needed, but it was over. Life was finally finding the new normal. I felt I was finally in the driver’s seat. One morning on the way to work I had a thought. As I crested the hill going into town, I asked myself, ‘What do you want in your life, Pat?’ Remembering the advice of a friend from many years ago, I replaced the word want with desire. That one word changed everything!

I had been denied so much in the past and I wanted to have a life of my own creation. Among my hobbies were weaving and playing with hot glass. I also love working with power tools and building things. I’ve raised all kinds of ducks, geese and birds. I’d studied tarot for many years, and was comfortable with it. But there was room for something more heart-filling, more satisfying. Something to bring me joy put put me outside of my comfort zone at the same time.

The answer came to me out of a fog, out of the back recesses of my mind from a time long ago. When the answer popped into my head, it surprised me. Horses! I almost didn’t think of it because I was denied my wish as a child. And probably rightly so due to the fact that we lived in town, not on a farm, and I was one of four children. Both parents worked full time careers. Since one parent was a high-functioning alcoholic, they fought constantly—every night. There was never any peace, no normalcy. No place for a wispy little girl dream of horses to fly in and settle into that bumpy, messy life.

When I was a little girl I wanted a horse! I ached for it with body and soul. Just the opportunity to ride one would have put me over the moon. That seemed like such a far away dream. Growing up I knew horses were expensive, and therefore, out of reach. But here in New Mexico everyone of every financial status seemed to have a horse or two.

When I was about eight years old my mother knew I wanted so badly to have a horse in my life. She signed me up for ten lessons at a stable in a nearby town. It was where my neighbors down the block kept their horses. These were people with expensive hunter jumper champions. At least I was able to catch a ride with them and take lessons. So I did have that dream somewhat satisfied when I was young, thanks to my mother. I remember those days clearly as the best days of my childhood.

I rode a large black horse named Julie that adults avoided like the plague. Julie was a difficult horse for others, pitching riders over her as she suddenly stopped, or balking or rearing up. She played tricks on her riders and was difficult on purpose. But she and I got along just fine, thank you very much! Julie is long gone, but those memories are as clear and sharp as if they happened yesterday. As any horse person knows, riding and being around horses only makes you want more of the same. You can’t get enough. It’s a fever, A deep seated need to be near such a strong yet yielding gentle and obedient animal. They are so powerful they do not realize their own strength. That’s part of their charm. The ten lessons went by in the blink of an eye and that was that for many years.

Now that my horses are gone, it is time once again to go in deeply and see what I desire in this life. Horses will come again at a later time, when I am retired. That will be sooner rather than later. (Big smile) But something is missing. A companion is missing. That is a hard thing to go seeking these days in the age of online dating. Especially for those of us starting our seventh decade. I know I must be flexible, open, and above all, I must be absolutely authentic right down to my toenails. A partner for me must be likewise.

As the new year beckons, I am preparing myself for this jump to light speed. If you think I’m not scared, you would be wrong! The reward for the risk is the excitement at meeting another like-minded person I can converse with and have fun with. To me, that’s the most important skill they must possess. Conversing. It is what I crave. Spending time in harmony might not be such a bad thing. It is not what I want, but what I desire. Stay tuned for the further adventures of a back woods animal lover and desert mystic with a wry sense of humor, out on the hunt! Gah! 😉

Comments and dialogue are encouraged and welcome. Likes tell me someone is listening. Love and Light, Patty.

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