Being in a new landscape between point A and point B is very disconcerting. It’s downright annoying, uncomfortable, and I wish it would go away. Sort of. Lately I have been changing the landscape of my life. Getting out of the habit of visiting with my riding partner every day for coffee, dropping off groceries, horse medicine or tack, or what have you. They have all been excuses for me to have someone to talk to before or after my work day. An excuse to ‘play house’ when that’s not what is good for my future or his. This is not my new family. I’m pretending and I’m hiding. For awhile it has meant someone to bond with. Someone to talk to. But this is not a good choice for me going forward.
My riding parter and I have a totally platonic relationship. He’s a good friend, but that is where it ends. I do not wish anything more with him. To say I have been hiding inside that relationship as an excuse to not take chances with my heart would be stunningly accurate. It has been a nice place to rest, on a plateau, for awhile, to let my soul stretch out a bit. For the record, single life has meant a lot of enjoyment for me to do exactly as I please, when I please. After having lived with a controlling abuser for 18 years, it’s been a lovely ride being on my own! I have created an almost perfect life for myself. Almost.
I have known for a long time now that things need to change. I have still not made the change totally but I’m almost there. Otherwise how will I ever move on to the next phase of my life? When will I have time or opportunity to meet my new life partner? Don’t I have a dream of meeting that perfect man who has a great sense of humor, loves horses and animals, and has his own property? How will that happen if I am not getting myself out there or always at someone else’s home hanging out? Where is the partner I can wake up next to that has fun over a cup of early morning coffee as we both try and squeeze open our eyes to the supposed real world. Where is that guy I go on long rides with and can spend my remaining years with as a lover and friend? I know he’s out there.
The first part of going from point A to point B was drastically reducing my visits to my platonic partner. He has done nothing wrong at all. In order to change, I needed to refocus. Making the change was hard and yet in some ways it was easy. It meant a lot more time alone at my somewhat isolated home in the sticks. I made the change a few weeks ago with the plausible excuse that I needed more time to prepare for my job, more time to cut stress out of my life by meditating each morning, more time to prepare for my day. I had a stressful week the week before and it showed on all levels. This was mostly true so it felt like a natural way to break things off, with the exception of the one weekend ride we do together. Okay, that’s done and no one got their feelings hurt. What’s next?
This change would mean a talkative person who likes to converse, being alone much of the time and it was not something I was looking forward to. How would I handle it? I knew that I needed to face my fears before moving forward. This happens one moment at a time. To give you an idea of my mindset, it is important to know that in the past five months I have lost my soul dog, my first and most loved horse, Scar (which about tore my heart out) and two geese, one of which was with me for over 13 years. My little farm family was greatly reduced. Today I am hurting and still numb. Spending more time with myself at the core, at the center of things, energetically was a scary prospect because of my recent losses. What would I find when I went within? How would I handle it?
Once I spent some time alone and slowed down, something really good came up out of the numbness. I had this picture of my much smaller animal family and myself, all our hearts in unison, in a smaller orbit. It felt like a smaller but higher quality life we were all building together. Good juju. New. An unknown and unexperienced landscape.
The next month is being spent being alone and sometimes, doing nothing which is actually almost impossible for me. I crave accomplishing things at my property and home because it needs work, and my ego loves seeing progress. Doing nothing is much harder said than done but will get my human doing mind to be a human being mind again. I need to get back to ground zero, a new ground zero. In a way it is like getting to know myself better, as opposed to filling the time with activities that avoid the inevitable meeting myself at my brand new level of existence. This is a big part of creating a new inner landscape.
I am a big proponent of the saying, you are the author of your life. Authoring your life moment-to-moment can be the in-betweeny part that hurts like hell. It feels so odd, so new, and yet so darned uncomfortable. There are no way markers in this new landscape to know if you are on the right path, or lost. Hey maybe being lost for a bit is good? That’s also food for thought. Here is where great insight and change is felt and experienced. This is the time for me to stick with it, form a new alliance with myself, my new life and prepare for the next step. I can feel the runway is clearing for takeoff!
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